Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I Have Had A Day

Nothing extremely good happened, nothing bad whatsoever.

It's been a day, and for that I'm thankful.

And now I sit here wandering the internet looking for news of the outisde world. Something to let me know that others too are having days.

Jelly-filled days of excitement and wonder.

I read through some poetry I wrote when I was in high school. I was smart at one point, what happened? "Everything was going great until Jesus made me fubmble."

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The first time is always the hardest...

I'm re-thinking my new career as a Director/Producer of adult films.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Friday, June 25, 2004

Putting the VICE in Vice-President

"Call me MISTER Cheney, BITCH!!"

I don't want to go all political on the smartpatrol, but I have to draw our readers attentions to this strory, (stolen from boingboing).

"On Tuesday, Cheney, serving in his role as president of the Senate, appeared in the chamber for a photo session. A chance meeting with Sen. Patrick J. Leahy (Vt.), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, became an argument about Cheney's ties to Halliburton Co., an international energy services corporation, and President Bush's judicial nominees. The exchange ended when Cheney offered some crass advice.

'Fuck yourself,' said the man who is a heartbeat from the presidency."

...Even if the Senate were in session, the vice president, though constitutionally the president of the Senate, is an executive branch official and therefore free to use whatever language he likes."

Thanks for that update on our First Amendment rights, DICK

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Is it the Red Skull?

picture above is the boy at 7 months old

June 24, 2004, 12:02AM
LINDA A. JOHNSON Associated Press

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles.

Not yet five, he can hold 7lbs weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other children his age and half their body fat.

DNA testing showed why: the boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine, marks the first documented human case of such a mutation.

Steve Rogers is our only hope.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

BREAKING NEWS: LAPD still not huge fans of Black Folks. Is that really news to anyone?

In what should come as a complete surprise to no one, the Los Angeles Police Department finds itself at the doorway of another scandal.

News affiliates would love to hype this as Rodney King II: Electric Boogaloo, but the sorry fact is that no matter how offensive the act was, no matter how over-the-top the officer reacted... the viewing audience just collectively sighs and says "Again?", not out of shock or disgust, just out of not looking forward to the irritation and mess to follow. Self appointed 'figures in the community' are already clamoring for camera time and dusting off the speeches that they didn't get around to reading back in 1992.
Those of us with a pretty good memory will recall that not a whole lot has changed since the last go around. Those of us with not-so-good memories might want to check out "April 29th 1992" by Sublime.

I will be at Circuit City waiting to pick up my free TV. If the revolution is televised then I'll be sure and wave to the camera.

SPOTLIGHT: Internet "Not Just For Porn" Says Local Halfwit

PHOTO: Benji Hottencourt is just one of the Orange County's 'special needs folks' invited to an exciting computer display at the county fairgrounds this week.
"I don't know what this other stuff is for", admitted Hottencourt, 26 "but it's not wall-to-wall boobs like my brother said it was". Later Hottencourt was overheard saying he was impressed by "all the cool stuff, but the boob thing was kind of a letdown".

Will The Real Superman Please Stand Up?

"Not so fast, Slouchy"

We All Agree...

That beating women up is more than likely a bad thing right?

But is it alright for us to beat the living shit/holy hell/snot out of these freakishly domineering Pageant Moms? These oddities of humanity need to be seriously (and preferrably physically) hurt.

Just thought I'd ask.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

A Biggie It Is Not

And by "Biggie" I don't mean a large shake or fries at Wendy's.

If there is one thing I know for no good reason and to no financial or personal gain, it's music trivia junk.

Once in a great while, I can win a movie triva contest, as in the great "Seventh Sign/Seventh Seal" debate and the "John Malkovich In Silence Of The Lambs" debacle.

Sometimes, we're right and sometimes we're wrong, all that matters is that one of the Smart Patrol knows the true skinny.

And knowin' the skinny is phat.

Friday, June 18, 2004


Daryl Hall's solo album Three Hearts In The Happy Ending Machine contains the track Dreamtime, which I mistakenly believed was named Run Away. This lead to a heated discussion, there was some name calling and I slashed Andy's tires with a boxcutter to prove a point.

I was wrong, and for that I apologize.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Ego is the first victim.

I have just really tricked out my email with some wicked awesome anti-spam tools that go by the name JunkMatcher. Its really good and goes to town scooping the litter out of the cat box, so to speak.

The only bummer is, now I can go hours and hours without getting any real mail. Since the filters catch the chaff, I don't even have to go through it and chuck out v.i.a.g.r.a ads and p.e.n.i.s_l.arg_r!! promises.

I sort of miss it.


Saturday, June 12, 2004


File this under F'ed Up Sh*t

Two Australian men may be prosecuted after they chewed live mice and bit off their tails as part of a pub competition to win a holiday.

The RSPCA called the incident "outrageous" and said it would seek the maximum penalty against the men.

RSPCA chief inspector Byron Hall said they could face two years in prison and fines of A$75,000 (US$52,050).

The Brisbane hotel where the contest took place condemned it and said it would not happen again.

to read more

You Guys Suck

Posts are way down. many of the Knights have NEVER posted
None of us are really 'too busy' to post. So come on!!
Oh, and heres a wacky photo for you to look at.

You know she got some anyway, guaranteed.

Who Is Leo Laporte, and what is on his desk?

This is a "big stuff day" for us here at The Smart Patrol. Our good friend, Napoleon Dynamite has used his awesome computer hacking skills to tap into Leo's super hi-tech security system and get us this live(ish) video feed.

Oh, the filthy monkey, he plans!


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Free Music!

Dig this tune if you are cool, you'll be humming this one all day.


Back From The Wang

I have recently returned from a venture into America's Wang (Florida) and all in all it wasn't that bad.

The worst part was the 90 to 95 degree weather in the midst of lightning/rain storms and the curiously large amount of dim-witted people. It's no wonder that these guys couldn't figure out how to work a hole puncher in the last election.

Other than that, it was a fine time had by me and my good lady wife. It was good to get away from the rut for a bit and reset the brain in a pool while drinking. So now we're back for another round of finding a way to make our millions and separate ourselves from the grind. Someday, hopefully, we can find a way to pay bills as soon as they arrive.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Where Is Fran Tarkenton when we need him?

Now the Orange County in Florida has something to be proud of. Click here to see why I love Florida. When I say love I mean the other word.

To view the fun, you'll need RealPlayer.

Words of Wit and Wisdom: Part One

This is an excerpt from a little something I'm working on based on my experinces on "The Project". It's a little out of context but I thought the lessons I've recently learned might be well worth sharing , feel free to steal them or add to them. Or you can just write them off as the babblings of a nut.'s not all negative, this experience has taught me a lot.

1. Anger has to be managed, it doesn't just wear off or dissipate like my deodorant. Anger happens, and I'm sure it happens to everybody, how you manage it is what separates you from the animals.

2. I've learned that I can still learn (duh?) that I can develop new skills and take pleasure in knowing more at seven P.M. than I did at nine A.M.

3. I've learned that you can be friends with clients, but clients are not your friends.

4. I've learned that all the crap you pull on people everyday is being pulled on you too (probably by the same people). Once you accept that, you should want to cut down on the crap considerably.

5. I've learned that honesty really is a great policy, but sometimes being honest with people just convinces them that you are up to something. It isn't your fault, like respect, you have to give trust to someone before they can earn it.

6. I've learned that quality takes time, usually more time than you originally thought (or budgeted for). How you handle that, defines who you are as a professional and as an individual.

I hope this doesn't read as too arrogant or in any way pompous (the title is meant to be a bit of a joke).

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Happy Birthday, Leah Estrin

Practically all the folks at The Smart Patrol have enjoyed the generosity and hospitality of the Estrin family. While we would like to think that it was based solely on our collective wit and charm, alas no. Therefore I would like to extend a heartfelt Happy Birthday from all of us to Leah.


Remember the 70/80"s?

My 3 Favorite shows when I was 10.

I didn't turn out gay either.

Russians Lead US in Fat Baby Technology Race?

Sergei Booblebelli is the proud papa of Georgia's biggest little citizen. Blobski Booblebelli tips the scales at a robust 55 pounds but is only 15 months old, and the family couldn't be happier.
"That's my boy" said Sergei, 35 an unemployed electrician and amateur comedian.
During the cold war, Soviet scientists had worked in secret on a 'super-sized soldier' program rumored to be based on the American 'Super Soldier Project' that yielded Captain America and The Chippendale Dancers. The Soviets abandoned their program in the mid-70's with few successes and several crushing failures, namely Yakov Smirnoff and Cousin Balky from ABC-TV's 'Perfect Strangers'.

"I was one of the super-babies" brags Sergei, one of the last of the experiment's subjects, "I am normal, but my boy he is a whopper. In America you can go to Burger King and get a Whopper™, but in Russia, Burger King comes to your house and empties your refrigerator... what a country!"

Pentagon scientist Ernest Goodfoote refuted Booblebelli's claims and declared that Blobski is in fact a 27 year-old obese midget from Kiev. "These reds, they try this bunk all the time" said Goodfoote in a telephone interview, "Now, sure they got a lead on us as far as midgets go, but the US is second to none in fat baby technology... Second to none!!".

Little Blobski seems to have no 'super' powers at this time but, according to his father, can make an entire turkey drumstick disappear in under thirty seconds.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004


Am I truly a blogger, have all my fantasies become a reality. Tobey you are evermore my hero.

Happy Birthday, Preston Gant

Today is our good friend Preston's birthday.

As far as I know he doesn't check out the site but he is a Thursday Knight, so Happy Birthday, Preston.