30 Minute Comics Vol. 1 Issue 4

DINO ROAD RAGE



I suppose you’re wondering what happened back there. Yeah? Well me too. I can’t even believe the luck I’ve had today. I was on my way to help out a buddy of mine who’s got some black market stuff going on down by the volcanoes. I’m driving along, minding my own business, and out of nowhere this God Damned sea turtle in one of those huge SUV’s just starts lane drifting all over the place. As it is I’m not driving my best ‘cause my pal told me to be ready for some action, so I’ve got this F***ing dual gatling gun, flame thrower thing strapped to my damned back, and my ass is barely on the seat. I slam on the breaks and this turtle switches lanes, and slows down so we’re side by side. Then, the damn turtle turns to face me and pulls out a semi-automatic. I mean are you kidding me with this? The broad aims it at me, and it’s then that I realize why she looks familiar. I took care of her brother last week. I mean talk about Murphey’s law. So I open fire on her and her SUV flips over the barrier and does a Peter Pan off the side of the cliff and into the lagoon. Unfortunately for myself, I realized I was heading straight towards a tree. As you can see the tree made out a bit better than my Jeep. My wife is gonna F***ing kill me.

30 Minute Comics Vol. 1 Issue 3

Jama kaNdabaa: Zulu Lawyer


Jama kaNdabaa had been preparing for this moment his entire life. It
was his first day in court and he was nervous as hell. He had always
imagined how he would carry himself in front of the tribal council;
how he would present his arguments. Yet now that the day had finally
arrived, he found himself blanking on the most basic of Zulu legal
principals. He looked down about three feet, where he locked eyes
with his client, Nebe Kapuala. A tiny pygmy from the jungles of
Kibale, he was being accused of stealing the heart (and virginity) of
the Chieftan's young and beautiful daughter. Jama could barely keep
from smirking as he thought of the four foot tall pygmy with the
Chieftan's elegant daughter, who stood at almost six feet. He had to
jerk his mind back to the task at hand and away from his curiosity of
their mating logistics. Jama attempted a reassuring smile at Nebe,
who if found guilty of improper conduct, could be sentenced to death.
Nebe looked nonplussed as he puffed away on his pipe, and gave a jaded half smile back. Jama thought that perhaps this was not the first Chieftan's daughter that Nebe might have deflowered. Suddenly the council member appeared from out of the hut, and beckoned for Jama and Nebe to enter. Well it was now or never….

30 Minute Comics Vol.1 Issue 2

The Adventures of White Trash Duck and Billy the Beer Can!



EPISODE 1 – A RAINY DAY

WTD: Hey Billy, what we gon do today?

BBC: Hell if I know.

{White Trash looks up at the swirling grey storm clouds in the sky}

WTD: Looks like its gonna start pourin’ any minute now.

BBC: You fix that hole in the roof of the trailer?

WTD: Nah, not yet.

BBC: Guess we in for a leaky night then.

WTD: Well shit and shinola!

BBC: Huh? What you talkin’ bout White Trash Duck?

WTD: I just had an idée-er!

BBC: You did? Well shucks, what is it?

WTD: We can go down to that there Wal-Mart and order up some roofin’. Fix that hole right up!

BBC: But White Trash, I don’t think we can make it down to the store in time. Besides, you drivin’ the Chevy with two spares on it.

BBC: You sure about this White Trash, as it is you’ve already had about three or four of me today and I jes...

WTD: You jes hush now. Come on!

{White Trash Duck grabs Billy the Beer Can gets into his red Chevy pick up}

WILL WHITE TRASH MAKE IT TO THE WALMART IN TIME TO PATCH UP HIS LEAKY TRAILER ROOF? WILL HE GET A FLAT TIRE AND BE FORCED TO WALK THE REST OF THE WAY? WILL HE GET PULLED OVER FOR ANOTHER DUI, AGAIN?!?!?!

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:

A RAINY MIDAFTERNOON

Justin is getting wasted...uh, I mean older.

Our little buddy Justin "The Arm" Armao (aka Chachi) is going to be another year older on Monday. But on Monday, he will have his kid. However, this Saturday it turns out he won't. Justin was as shocked as we were to hear about this. So, let's plan on doing something. Don't know where. Don't know when. Don't know what. It will probably involve food, booze and a crazy stalker at Garf's who is off his meds.

When more detailed information is available. I'll let you know.

STOP! You're Thinking Too Much!!

Now just sit back and stare....

30 Minute Comics Vol.1 Issue 1

Ok kids, The New Yorker (formely Big K) and I decided we would try to participate more in this whole Smart Patrol "blog" thing. I'm going to post a doodle that I made instead of taking notes in a work meeting and she is going to write a story based on that image in 30 minutes or less. We'll see how long we can keep this going before we get sick of it.

Today's story is titled:


A Tough Day for Model A3K





It had not been the easiest of days for model A3K version 4. First his master, Dr. Merric Stone almost set the bunker on fire with his scientific experiments involving highly volatile plutonium. Next, came the visit from Merric’s latest flame, the highly voluptuous Melanie Milton. Dr. Stone was not pleased with model A3K version 4 when he pointed out that Melanie was trying to sneak out a vile of plutonium in her cleavage as she was leaving. Dr. Stone had yelled for him to get his “clanking metal contraptions off his dame!” Didn’t he understand he was just trying to help? And then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, the evil Captain Leech Nimitz from planet Celluloid blew out the bunker door, knocked Dr. Stone unconscious, and took him captive. This left model A3K version 4 the foul task of dusting off the old pod spinner, so that he could rescue his boss once again, and kick Captain Leech Nimitz’s ass with the help of his trusty laser blaster. Now, if he could just get through this traffic….

Everyone's Doin' It

Son: Whoa! I am feeling very strange Mom.

Mom: Son, what is wrong?

Son: I think I am intoxicated Mom, or as the kids at school say - "wasted".

Mom: Why Jimmy? What did you do to feel in such a manner?

Click here - then click "filmpjes" to find out why our Jimmy feels a bit "different" than the other kids at school.

FREE SHOW!!!

Remember how much fun you had at the last show? Well this time it's free, so that means you'll have more money for drinks!

So then she rear ended the guy in front of her... THE END

I was a passenger in the BMW at the center of the photo. To the right you'll see a white Dodge, that's the lady who hit us. To the left (but not visible) is the pick-up truck we bounced off. thePrisoner

So then she rear ended the guy in front of her... THE END Tossed up by numbersix.

Grilled Cheese Friday Update:

Sonya Thomas is the World Grilled Cheese Eating Champion. She ate 25 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes.
She won $3,500 in prize money and is now ranked #1 in the USA (with 22 world titles) by the I.F.O.C.E..

"I really wasn't full after the 10-minute sprint, and went for dessert afterwards. That actually was my first time eating GCSs (grilled cheese sandwiches) they're tasty!"

Orange County's Jed "The Jalapeno King" Donahue and Rich "The Locust" LeFevre both consumed 23 grilled cheeses for the second place tie.

awesome

Grilled Cheese Friday

Plenty of Bread on the Line at World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship
Tomorrow 1 pm Venice Beach CA


It will be a cross between a major sporting event and a religious pilgrimage when the nation’s top competitive eaters gather in Venice Beach, CA, for the Goldenpalace.com® World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship in honor of the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich, a 10-year-old sandwich with the image of woman many think is the Blessed Virgin burned into the bread.

The World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship will take place on February 12, 2005 at 1 p.m. with the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich on display during the contest. The former owner of the Sandwich, Diana Duyser, will also be there to share the story of the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese. The event, which will showcase competitive eating’s finest athletes, will feature $10,000 in prize money, making it one of the most lucrative events on the competitive eating circuit.

GoldenPalace.com recently purchased the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich for $28,000 from Florida resident Diana Duyser. The 10-year-old sandwich is believed by the faithful to bear the unmistakable likeness of the Virgin Mary. In fact, the image appears in such vivid detail that viewers often faint upon seeing it for the first time. The sandwich is ten years old and was stored with no preservation yet She remains remarkably free of mold, adding an inexplicable paranormal element to Her.

“We are thrilled to highlight the tour of the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese with the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship,” said Richard Rowe, CEO of GoldenPalace.com. “Diana Duyser, the former owner of the Sandwich, truly believes that it is special and has brought her tremendous luck over the last ten years. She auctioned it off on eBay hoping that the buyer would share it with the world and we intend to do just that.”

“This is more than just an eating contest,” said George Shea, chairman of the International Federation of Competitive Eating. “It’s a pilgrimage.”

But is she hot?

British woman jailed for tearing off ex-lover's testicle with hand

Thu Feb 10,12:07 PM ET

Offbeat - AFP

LONDON (AFP) - A British woman who ripped off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands and then tried to swallow it was jailed for two and a half years.

Amanda Monti, 24, became enraged when 37-year-old Geoffrey Jones rejected her advances at the end of a party. She yanked off his left testicle before trying to swallow it, Liverpool Crown Court in northwest England was told.

Monti choked and spat the testicle out, before a friend handed it back to Jones with the words: "That's yours."

Monti was jailed on Thursday after pleading guilty to wounding, with judge Charles James noting that the "very serious injury" was not even the result of self defence.

In a statement read to the court, Jones, a bodybuilder, said the attack had "ruined my life".

The incident happened following a party last May, shortly after Jones had ended the couple's relationship, prosecutors told the court.

At a friend's house, Jones rebuffed Monti's advances and she was forced outside following a struggle, only to smash a window and storm back in.

"Suddenly I found Amanda standing in front of me," the victim's statement said, saying the pair grappled on the ground, and after she ripped off his short trousers he stood up.

"She was still on the ground and she grabbed my genitals and pulled hard. That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain," he said.

After trying to swallow the organ, she handed it to Jones's friend. Doctors were unable to re-attach it.

Cheese Friday: The dark side.

If you ate the Cheese, I wouldn't have to hit you.



Women belted boy for refusing to eat cheese
Leanne Edmistone
25jan05

BELTING a child repeatedly for refusing to eat the cheese in his dinner was gratuitous violence, not parental discipline, Brisbane District Court judge Milton Griffin said yesterday.

A 32-year-old woman and the boy's mother, 24, were sentenced to a six-month intensive correctional order, which requires them to report twice a week to police and undergo counselling, medical treatment and complete programs as necessary.

The women, who cannot be named for legal reasons, pleaded guilty on Friday to assaulting a seven-year-old boy with a belt, causing extensive bruising to his face, legs and buttocks.

His mother also held the boy's arms while the other woman tried to force feed him the cheese.

The incident happened on February 25 last year, when the boy, his younger sister and mother were staying with the family of the boy's school friend in an outer suburb of Brisbane.

It came to light when the boy's mother was stopped by police for traffic offences several days later and officers noticed the boy's injuries.

Judge Griffin yesterday said while the 32-year-old woman landed most of the blows, the mother was equally responsible, because her son would have trusted her to protect him.

"This was a sustained and cruel assault on the boy," he said.

"This is not a case of discipline going beyond the bounds of what was reasonable, this was gratuitous violence against the child."

SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND EAT YOUR CHEESE!

THIS JUST IN: You're Awesome!!!

So get used to it!!

CONCERT REVIEW: King Neptune @ The Tank, Bar & Grille

Review by Jeremy Paciorowsky for Sound Re-Enforcement VIII
First of all, I should say that I was way onto King Neptune before anybody had ever heard of them. I have a cd-r from a show they did like 3 years ago.

King Neptune really know how to bring the rock!

First off they opened with their hit, I missed most of it because the crowd was yelling "STEVE, STEVE" in honor of their lead singer whose name is Steve. The crowd was really into the band but when I got back from the restroom, someone had totally snaked my barstool (not cool guys) so I had to stand at the back near this really weird dude with a mullet and a rainbow tank-top.

After two more songs the guy in the tank-top was really creeping me out so I went over by the bar where there was this slamming hottie who looked like the dude who was hitting on her was starting to bother her. So I strolled up and pretended I knew her from school (which I had seen on an episode of "One Tree Hill"). But she didn't seem to get the idea and the guy she was talking to told me to "get lost" (not very original, dude). Because I am driving with a few tickets on my record, I decided I didn't want any trouble and told the guy that I didn't want to rumble, which was lucky for him because I took taekwondo for three semesters. He then called me a "fag" and told me to get lost before he "bitch slapped me back to Westminister" (I don't even live in Westminister, so that was a total 'face' on that guy).

Just then something must have happened to the lead singer because everyone started yelling "STEVE, STEVE" so I looked over but didn't see anything so I guess he was OK. At that exact moment the hottie accidentally spilled her drink and said she had to go to the bathroom for a paper towel, I assume she meant for me, since most of the drink landed on my jacket.

After a few minutes (I guess she was stuck in a line or something) I decided to catch the rest of the show (which was awesome). Afterwards some dude puked right by where I was standing.

I would recommend this band.

Jeremy Paciorowsky