Monday, May 31, 2004

More Hi-Jinx From The Sub-Continent

Sure, we like to skip commericials on OUR TV shows. But that doesn't mean we don't like to watch other peoples TV commercials. Here is an Indian spot for a car that you can't even buy in the U.S. Of course you could always try to make your own.

Is it just me, or does the music sound like the Indian version of ICE ICE BABY?


Sunday, May 30, 2004


I'm not trying to choke you on light fluffy entertainment but this commercial from the good folks at Coke is practically guaranteed to brighted your day.


Friday, May 28, 2004

Toby's last night at Opah was a sad night indeed for the entire staff. Flowers and ballons just didn't do the justice that we all felt for him and his patronage. He will be missed by all. Thanks for all the memories lil buddy. :) Posted by Hello

Chin hair is fantastic. Justin can kiss my ass. Posted by Hello

Testing this stupid app. There better be a picture here damn it. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Spanky the clown arrested on porn charges

CNN Washington Bureau
Wednesday, May 26, 2004 Posted: 12:01 PM EDT (1601 GMT)

Thomas Allen Riccio appears in character as "Spanky" before a performance in Florida last year.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Spanky, a clown with the renowned Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, has been arrested on charges stemming from a child pornography investigation, law enforcement officials said Tuesday.

"Behind the clown nose, however, this man appears to have been supporting an industry that trades in the exploitation of children."

-Who would of thought, a clown named Spanky.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Parking at the Adagio Reaches All Time Low

Sick of the strict parking enforcement at the Adagio Apartment complex, tenants take matters into their own hands.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Kane's 1st Birthday

Today is my son's first birthday.
Does this mean I'm an adult?

Friday, May 21, 2004

The NEWGUY gets with the Chattenstein

Creegs got chat (at last) sweet!

e-mail him for the screenname, I will protect his privacy by not
posting it here for spiders to get and bug him with
"C_IA_LIS" and "V_I_AG_RA" advertisements.


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Photoblogging Is Live

Our Microsoft Windows™ (dis)enabled patrons now finally have something to crow about.

Read How To Post Photos On Smart Patrol.

Looks easy, who'll be first to post a picture?


1000 Words @ 320X240

Very Experimental.
The Smart Patrol's wandering webcam.

This will take some updating, but should be pretty fun.

Well, It's Official

My stomach is now a pussy.

No matter what I eat lately, it always comes blairing out in this torrent of horrendous splendor not but an hour later. What has happened to my once hearty innards? Could it be that I am intolerant of all food? Sure, it's a great weight loss plan, but a hell of a bummer way to go about life.

Anyway, I just got back from my Best Buy For Business survey thingy this morning. It wasn't all that bad (a decent free breakfast was there, eggs, fruit, chao mai meatballs, danishes, water, juice, etc.). The best part of the whole deal being that I walked out with a $150 gift card to Best Buy for my lack of efforts. It's very ironic that I got the call to do this instead of Heckdude. Considering Heckdude spends nearly the GNP of Sumatra there every year and he never got a call to do this, I feel incredibly gifted (moreso than normal). And all I had to do to earn this privlege was fake that I have a small business. What a country!!! (I immediately apologize for drudging up the memory of Yakov Smirnov for everyone, that was uncalled for, my bad)

So here I sit with my gift card wondering just what (especially since Best Bought doesn't sell any kind of replacement stomach lining, at least no brands that I'm familiar with) to get with it. Maybe an iPod, maybe a T.V. for our guest room, maybe a DVD burner for compy, maybe a side of beef jerky, the options are endless.

That's what 's going on with my life today, how 'bout you?

Secrest out....

I didn't know we had an office in Switzerland.

How come I always have to hear about these things indirectly. Is it possible for me to get a transfer?

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Just when I had it all figured out...

The site changes it's look and I need to learn the new one. Buy a new computer and relearn windows (unless I check the box which will show me the 'classic' view). Yes, it looks sexy, fresh, and new. But I'm an old geezer who just has a hard time with change. I'm off to listen to my cassette tapes to remember the good ol days.

New Money For Old Rope

Welcome to the NEW LOOK of the Smart Patrol. Feel free
to kick the tires (ouch!) and try it on for size. Refer to your
Blogger Home Page to see what new features we can now take advantage of.

Don't forget to look in on our special window to the Switzerland office, and much much more.

The Prisoner...


Much like my other secret organization, Planetary, the Smart Patrol maintains a network of offices throughout the civilized world (that's right, no Florida office).

I maintain a close eye on each office through some
very special webcams.

Who needs to go anywhere? The Alps will come to you.

LIVE FROM THE ALPS (or somewhere)

So Hot Want To Touch The Hiney

Nice new layout makes me want to say "Yowza Yowza Yowza".

We look almost like professional whiners now.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I'm No Harry Potter Or Anything, But...

Everything seems to be a little "pushed" to the right now.

What happened to our lovely Playplace?

Smartpatrol2 goes Beta

The good folks at Blogger have
added some new and exciting features to their already pretty good

Some will be implemented immediately (such as comments!) others will be
studied and considered. If people get kinda retarded with the
comments then we'll probably turn that off. Also if it gets clogged up
with viagra and cialis ads then it will certainly get yanked.
One feature that I think is very exciting (I sound very phony) is
posting by e-mail. Go to Blogger
to set up your account to post via e-mail.

This post was sent via e-mail. Now posts can be sent from your phone,
or anywhere you can send e-mail. At the present time it does not
support attachments.

Get back on the blog.


Reasons To Smoke

I just heard on the BBC (Radio 2, if you MUST know) that loneliness can
have as much (or even more) impact on your health than smoking.

This is very bad news for me. Does anyone have a puppy I can borrow?

(via e-mail)

Wednesday, May 12, 2004


Click this link and breathe in a long deep look at fear.

Sometimes evil comes in a funny suit

Stay Tuned

Well this Thursday (a.k.a. - tomorrow) the Altrusitic Puma just may have a giant (well maybe medium to smallish medium sized) surprise in store for all, or at least most, of those who attend. I will try my best to get there for a little bit. (Ya see the Laker game is on, a very important playoff one at that, and I have to pick my good lady wife up after work because of car problemos)

Otherwise, I have been up to jack and squat. Mostly squat due to something very bad that has since ran through my belly, into the toilet, then floating aimlessly somewhere around the Huntington Beach Waste Facility and coming soon to a small innocent toddler bathing in the ocean's dirty bad water near you.

So anyway, come this Thursday y'all, and you too may (if I have enough) come across a free gift. And no, it's not a trampoline and/or a sailboat, but it could be made into one - hmmmm???

Lord of the Peeps

Love Lord of the Rings? Love Marshmellow Easter Candy? Not as much as this whacko.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Enough Puma

I don't have much to say right now, I was just sick of the Altruistic Puma's empty promises of sparklers and tartar sauce.

I am legend.


Thursday, May 06, 2004

I Am The Altruistic Puma

Yes, I know that much to the chagrin or delight of most people around the world I have been far too absent from the Smart Patrol blog.

Well, I have now decided to document my incredible lack of activity in the world again, here at the home of the deadly but pretty Smart Patrol.

What have I been up to recently? First off, I have been conducting an experiment in finding out just how long I can remain in the clothes I slept in before I have t ogo to my "more exciting than ever" job. (The record currently stands at 8:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m.) I have also been sitting at our dining room table dealing four hands of Texas Hold 'Em to myself and imaginary oppponents. The best part of this being that it is like gambling without all the fun and the money. Wait, I meant the worst part. By the way, I won for the first time only two nights ago. I have also continued to rape the record industry of their profits (partly out of anger at the prices for medicore to crappy music nowadays and partly because, well - it's free) and have bolstered my music collection to a healthy amount that I shouldn't mention here on the off chance that someone from the RIAA is either reading my posst or monitoring my brain (via the implant I recently discovered embedded in my left shoulder, but I digress...) Due to the amount of heat that that bastard God has decided to dole out to us humans recently, I have also been sitting directly under any fan I can find or sitting in my A/C'd car for unhealthy amounts of time.

Other than that, I've been doing nothing but waking, drawing, working and coming home to watch American Chopper reruns.

Anyway, I hereby promise to post more often and quit ignoring my duties to the well being of The Smart Patrol.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Monday, May 03, 2004

Where are the rest of that dogs legs????

When that dog ran away did you find him up on cinder blocks with the bottom half of his legs stolen? If you are choosing between Parker and Rod it is really just a which name is less queer contest. How about Stumps McGuilicuddy or Blade Poindexter.............................................Heck just name him Preston after all he is black

Meet The Newest Member Of The Smart Patrol

Hey Kids,

This is my new buddy "Parker" aka "Rod". I rescued him from the ASPCA animal shelter in Huntington Beach on Saturday. He is a 3 year old Corgi/Chow mix who may have belonged to a homeless person at some point. I thought "Rod" was a stupid name for a dog and apparently he does too because he never responds when you say it. I'm not sure where Parker came from it just seems to fit though. It makes me think of the old TV show "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" and/or Spider-Man's alter ego Peter Parker. So, you can take your pick on which one you would rather relate the name to.

He's been a really nice dog so far. He doesn't bark. He hasn't tried to "GO" in the house. He likes being where ever the people are and want's his head or belly rubbed. Or he'll go sit out on the side porch and watch all the other dogs and people go by. He did escape for about an hour and a half Saturday night. After being lethargic and slow for most of the day he decided to show us how fast he was by running past Tony as he left the apartment. After we had given up looking for him Toby found him relaxing on somebody's front porch waiting for them to let him in. I hope he just got confused as to which house is his. They do all look the same especially from eight inches off the ground.

Parker is having his manhood removed today as mandated by state law. I'm sure every male reading this feels for him but it sure will be funny if he comes home with a big cone on his head. (Should this happen, pictures will be posted later.) I'm gonna take him to get registered and chipped later this week. Tony and I were hoping we could get Lojack or some kind of WiFi installed for tracking purposes later. I'll have to look into that. For now, we will just have to tighten up security on the Turnbaugh compound.

For more pictures of Parker check my Hiplog.

New Feature: Live from Iraq

As part of an assignment to assist in the completion of his GED,PFC Norris "The Rooster" Cahern sends us an unfiltered and brutally honest account of his exploits serving in Iraq. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN ADULT LANGUAGE, BAD SPELLING AND EXCESSIVE USE OF THE WORD "DUDE".

Dude, get this I am totally in Iraq right now, for reals. Dude it is hot here and the people don't know how to speak or nothing like that. They wave at us and stuff, sometimes they tell us stuff, they talk to this dude named Chris who is from St. Louis and he speaks there language, which I think is call farty, dude I'm not kidding, farty.
So this Chris dude, he's all like "we gotta go get these guys" and I'm all like "No duh" and he's all giving me the stink eye and I'm all like "Face! bro". We have laughs like that all the time.
You can't get Molson Golden here, which sucks.
Dude, so one time we were getting all shot at stuff, and I'm all like "Whoa, this sucks" and then these Italian soldiers show up and so I'm like "Mamma Mia, this sucks" right? Well, they didn't know what I was saying, cause they don't have TV in Rome (where the bread is from).
The girls here cover up their faces, I guess they need to.
I gotta go, we have an Iraqui prinsoner and we're taking it in turns to do impressions of him. I just pretend he's the guy from the Simpsons and we get a big laugh out of that.


Sunday, May 02, 2004

The Shining in 30 seconds.

About a month ago I posted a link to a HILARIOUS flash movie of The Exorcist in 30 seconds (re-enacted by bunnies). The movie was created by Jennifer Shiman and she has just posted her latest opus The Shining. You owe it to yourself to watch. Check out the rest of their site for funny timewasters.


Don't Try This At Home.

I'm a professional.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Good News for the Unemployed

New postions are opening up every day!