Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Michael Moore Asked To 'Resign' From Pep-Squad

"Gimme an L..."

The New Phone Books Are Here!!!

It's no headline that MOST of the Smart Patrol's content originates on Macintosh computers. Mostly due to their extreme ass-kick technology. This technology has yielded a new and shiny super cool little mofo. Go look at the new iMac.
"I am not easily impressed but I'm gonna click here so Toby doesn't spit at me".

My birthday is coming up.

Monday, August 30, 2004

BUSH:"I Do A Great Ray Charles" - deemed "in Poor Taste"

UPDATE: I had to replace the photo - this one ain't as good.

Friday, August 27, 2004

IRONPANTS: Next? How About "Click Here for the Very Most Suckiest of All Blogs?"

This was ripped from another blog. But it's accurate & funny in a fairly decent mixture.

IRONPANTS: Next? How About "Click Here for the Very Most Suckiest of All Blogs?"

Conspiracy Friday: Is this a secure connection?

This is a really in depth Flash movie addressing some interesting inconsistencies in the facts surrounding the Pentagon hit on 9/11/01.

Okay, for those of you still reading, I think that the link is worth a click. I don't pretend to know too much about the events, but from what I've seen, neither does anyone else.


UPDATE: Paranoid conspiracy nuts rejoice, the authors of the Flash movie have made it impossible for me to make a regular old link to it. So do the good old copy/paste trick on this URL - http://www.sharkeater.com/pentagon.swf

Napoleon Dolemite or Kung Fool

He's got mad nunchuk skills...
Click here for my unbeatable hamster style

Thursday, August 26, 2004

More Than Meets Eye

You like Transformers?
You like Breakdancing?
Then you're gonna LOVE this!

Soundwave 2: Electric Boogaloo

Remember When You Cared Enough To Get Angry?

This dude is pretty mad. His site contains sincere and heartfelt critiques of some of today's most popular recording artists.

It's worth checking out the movies (they load kinda slow).


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Hey geek! Watch this!

Our good friend Kalinda just IM'd me this link. Click it, watch it, laugh at it. But then STOP. Ask yourself just why am I laughing..?


"Yo Soy El Fugitivo"

Monday, August 23, 2004

Bush declares "Girly feelings, inside"

WASHINGTON DC [AP] In a surprise announcement today U.S. President George W. Bush made public the news that "Just like everybody else, I like to feel pretty sometimes".
International reaction has been mixed, British Prime Minister Tony Blair applauded the announcement adding that he also liked to 'feel pretty' and had "A selection of really nice flannel thingies I like to hop into right after a hot bath" during 'Question Time', in Parliament today. In the Middle East, several leaders revealed that they often like to have something "fluffy on" under their bernouce, while in North Korea, Jim Jong Il announced that he often "Goes commando" adding "especially at this time of year, with all the heat". Parts of his speech were denied later and a translator was executed for "gross negligence".
US First Lady, Laura Bush was at her husband's side during the announcement, and when questioned by reporters she said that "Dubya' and I often share articles of clothing, adding "You don't wanna see the catfight at the White House when the Victoria Secrets catalog arrives!!".
It has been known for some time that Vice-President, Dick Cheney has a broad selection of "Slutty dress-up clothes" and could not be immedately reached for comment.

Tooting My Own Horn...

Hello Kids!!

Nostalgia is a bitch sometimes. I had almost forgotten about this. You know what? It's pretty good. Like almost everything I've ever created, I had some real good folks fill in the gaps in my big ideas. Ahh well, I'll always have the Quicktime™ to keep me warm.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

FLASH: Giant "Robo-President" Unveiled,

WASHINGTON, DC-A giant robot made in the likeness of President George W. Bush has begun patrolling the streets of the capital.

Vice-President Dick Cheney marvelled to reporters "They got his eyes just right!.. They do that thing where they follow you, y'know like those posters they have at Spenser Gifts?".

Saturday, August 21, 2004

"Time to pick on Florida again" or "Jeb Bush sucks"

First a quote from Governor Jeb Bush:
"God doesn't follow the linear projections of computer models,"
"This is God's way of telling us that he's almighty and we're mortal."

Is it also his way of telling Florida, "Of all my children, I dislike y'all the most"?

Hurricanes ravage Florida. Why is this news? Don't hurricanes ravage Florida with predictable regularity? Seems that whenever Florida is in the news it's because:

A) Somebody has lowered the bar on human decency AGAIN.
B) Hurricanes attempt to erase the sins of the entire state by shaking it up like an Etch-A-Sketch™.
C) All of the above.

Boy, that God sure likes to shout when a whisper'll do huh? I think that it is very telling that Jeb, (I can call him Jeb because I think he's a tool) seems to think that HIS god is of the old testamenty, fire-and-brimstoney, grudge holding red pick-up truck driving variety. As we all know Jeb and his brother the Pope President have a habit of dragging out God's good name whenever they feel like it, and waving it around like a confederate flag at a tractor pull. Given the shameful way Jeb conduct the affairs of state he must be pretty sure he's not going to be meeting 'the big guy' on 'the big day', so I guess that takes the pressure off. Nice one Jeb!

I can only imagine the comfort that the governor's words brought to the people of Stinkwater FL. (pop. 261) when Jeb clued them in to God's next plan; to put a mini-mall on the space he had just cleared by sweeping their 'manufactured homes' to the four winds.

"Finally, a Fantastic Sam's of our own, right here in town...Thanks God!"


The Prisoner is not a registered voter, however he invites all readers to vote early and often and is disappointed to lend his endoresement to the 'other guy' who "looks like a friggin' Shar Pei".

Friday, August 20, 2004

Something For Jason

Interesting monkey portraits here.

The artist, Jill Greenberg, is quite well established as a photographer of celebs and models. She decided to shoot monkeys (or apes) as a small side project kind-of-thing. But if you click the link you'll see that she photographs them as portaits, almost as if these are magazine covers for People Magazine in the Planet of the Apes realm. Which would be called Apes Magazine, right?

NOTE: Guy, the monkeys ARE NOT wearing clothes, so you will not be creeped out by them

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Wes ANDERSON trailer hits...

OK, Windows Media is an inferior media format, but today it has one up on Quicktime (may god forgive me). Wes Anderson's new film The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is due in December, but the trailer is available now.

Windows Media Sucks, but show me the trailer anyway

and as soon as the Quicktime version is available, I'll watch it again.

UPDATE: Mr.DNA informs me that Yahoo has posted the Quicktime version of the trailer. Now the movie looks even better!


Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Home again

I've returned from my latest adventures thru the states begining in New Jersey with' The Ataris' and ending on a run to the west and back to the east with 'Jesse Malin'. I wish I stayed in better contact, but spending my waking moments traveling on the bus, hurrying up to get in line at the hotel to take a shower, stroll into a club/bar...I mean Shit Hole to set up a gig, meet the always gracious 'house sound guy', breathe in last nights bar fumes of old beer and cigarettes (amazing how crappy those thing stink), figure out the local sound system and how it works...that's if it works, do a sound check for two bands, go find something to eat (I get about 30 minutes to find something in walking distance), begin rock show, end rock show, put away rock show, and travel to our next fun and exciting gig. Whew!
But, the pay is good, the band is good and a lot of laughs. So, life isn't that tough. But it was nice to get back into my own bed and out of a bunk in a tour bus.
I'll be home for a couple of weeks before I head out again. That'll be early in September. I'll have more details later. So, until then, I'm chilling at home and readjusting to life out of the circus. Give a shout hello and I'll see ya all soon.

Avatar ME!!

"I would that God the gift had gie us
To see ourselves as others see us"
- Robbie Burns

This is one of my favorite quotes and one I wrestle with often. In simple terms this is how I see myself. Why not go to this site and make an avatar of yourself. We can post them here or add them to our profiles.

Tossed up by numbersix.

UPDATE: Mea Culpa, props to Ubrgeek who was quite right to point out that he gave me the tip to the site in the first place.


I took a personality test. It asks a series of questions and them compares your answers to world leaders. Basically I was aiming for Abe Lincoln.

I guess it was broken.

But either way, I sure would like to get some better treatment around here!


UPDATE: Tony Perija took the same test and HE got Abe Lincoln... it is definitely broken!!

UPDATE 2: I took the test again, a day later and in a different mood. I went a little slower and got..

So now I am a little more confused. I guess even Che and Mother T had their bad days. Perhaps this is merely confirmation of that which we have always suspected. There are monsters, there are angels, there is a peacefulness and a rage inside us all...

Or maybe it just means that the damn test thingy sucks butt!! Maybe? Y'think?

ain't life beautiful sometimes...

so here i am. drinking, naked, and watching women's olympic table tennis on tv.   these are the moments my friends.  i hope that you can cherish them as much as i do.

Monday, August 16, 2004

The Rumble In My Bum(ble)

I think I just pooped out something that may come back to life in the bowels (pun intended) of the sewage system of this fair (to midland) township of Costa Mesa.

Ya see, I ate this sausage thing earlier and thought, "Man, that's gonna hurt on the way out." Turns out I was right, in the most painful and distressing of ways.

So as I sit here translating my ass pain into flimsy words, my butt flexes with flinching agony like Apollo Crede in the aftermath of the Ivan Drago bout.

Just thought y'all would wanna know.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

World Premiere: Until The Angels

How about that crazy internet, huh?

Barely 24 hours old and already someone is ripping off my movie on the internet... Oh yeah, it's me!

UNTIL THE ANGELS is complete, barely. This version (RealPlayer req'd) is the exact edit that was submitted to the NYC Midnight Movie Making Madness contest. They should have their tape in a few days. You can watch it right now, no charge, no ticket required. There is a strict 10 minute time limit which we just fit into, however that was only by skipping things like credits - I'd like to thank the folks who helped make this happen, look for a special edit to list them all, until then feel free to tell everyone that YOU made the film yourself, I don't mind. Scratch that I do mind.

I want to see 'The Angels'.

Quick warning: This film contains some language (the F word) that might not be good to play really loud in your office cube.

Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Yikes! I can't believe what I just saw!

the blog knows all - http://tinyurl.com/6yf6s

Thanks & ENJOY.


Friday, August 13, 2004


Until The Angels - Horror never more horrific™

It probably comes as no surprise that the story behind the story is the best story. True or not it's a good cliché and I'm running with it. If you'd like to know how to make a 'scary' movie from scratch in just 2 weeks, then read on...

First of all, why would you want to make a 'scary' movie from scratch in just 2 weeks? Sorry, it's an old Dov Simens trick. Hook the mark (that's you, gentle reader) with an impossible, or at the very least unwise premise and keep running til they stop following you. Using this simple principal (and by drinking the blood of would be filmmakers) Dov has eluded the authorities for over 200 years.


I entered a contest. The bottom line is that I thought I could 'catch-up' with my personal goal ghost by banging out a quickie movie. Also I am unable to perform without deadlines (and often I am unable to perform even with deadlines) so like any other idiot that I would usually criticize, I attempted to 'trick' myself into actually doing something. Fool!

1. The Rules.
NYC Midnight Movie Making Madness is a contest (and a mouthful) where the participants are given a genre (comedy, drama, sci-fi, musical) and a log line (that TV Guide style one sentence description of the story, ie - "B.A. loses his memory and thinks he's still back in Vietnam"). Then the participants (teams really, no one does it all by themselves) have 2 weeks to write, shoot edit and mail their submission back to New York City for consideration. It was almost 2 weeks ago that I got my notification, and the cursed log line.


Horror is right! I don't know horror, I don't do horror (although laundry day is pretty bad). So by assigning me this wretched genre, the organizers of the soiree did something they didn't expect. They challenged me.

I figured out that I could spend just under a week coming up with something cool, and yet do-able. I didn't want to cop out and go for gore, or schlock. I've never tried to scare anyone, and I decided I wanted to.

2. The Plan.
If you know me, then you know that I do not plan well. This was no exception. Apart from figuring out that I could use my friend's ample garage as a set/dungeon and relying on the kindness of friends for crew and actors (and the basis for the idea in the first place), I didn't have any of my sh1t together. Bear in mind, this is standard operating procedure for me, so I was not nervous. Fool!

3. The Catch(es).
Things went wrong. How could they not? I'm not naming names, I don't want to point fingers, suffice it to say that I was let down by a couple of people. I accept responsibility for that, I was relying on others to do things for me, and after all, it was ME who entered the stupid contest, my desperate need to 'catch-up' so as much as I would like to rant, I can't. After all, things went right too.

4. Things Go Right.
Brushing over the details, I had a cast and crew of exactly... one. Stand up Tony, I'm talking about you. originally I wanted Tony to only be concerned with his acting. The story rests entirely on his shoulders and I needed a lot from him. As my crack production team dwindled to zero, Tony stepped up to the plate. In case I forget to thank him again, thanks again Tony. The day we were supposed to shoot (Sunday) found us completely un-prepared, so we spent that day setting up the dungeon and working on making our limited resources work. Tony would know better than I the details, but we were under-equipped in the grip and electric department. We overcame adversity (kinda) and postponed the shoot until Monday. That night I did the work I was going to do on Monday, so technically I was ahead of the game.


I had been pretty smart. Only a few people even knew I was supposed to be doing this anyway, I could call it off and who would know? I would be out $100 entry fee, but I would be able to sleep-in for a few days instead of sweat like a dog in a dungeon of my own construction. I even had an excuse when certain key members of my team dropped out, who could really blame me?


I'd like to think I was noble, but (as Guy quickly pointed out) quitting would require me to take and own a decision. Just slogging away like a condemned man is sometimes easier than quitting. Thank you Guy for stripping me of that conceit (and excuse) you bastard :)

It was like a sweat lodge in that garage. We banged out "Mean Tony"'s bits in little more than 2 hours. Basically the movie is overlapping dialogue from different personalities of a serial killer, and yes I know I didn't invent that!
We stopped for Tony to change, I was a bit nervous because "Friendly Tony" is supposed to appear calm and composed (and not too sweaty). However I didn't have the luxury of air-conditioning or time, so I was willing to accept that all Tony's personalities would have sweaty armpits. However, Tony was not. He explained that he was really drained from the heat, worse for him because he was in front of the lights, and really close. He told me that he didn't want to jump right back in there and try to pick it up.


Tony had tickets to see The Who play at the Hollywood Bowl that night. With their recent track record, it might be his last chance to see any of them alive again, so I knew better than to ask him to consider skipping the pinball wizards until another time. The new plan was this:

Go see The Who (have a nice time)
Come back afterwards (I know it'll be late)

This gave me a large break in the middle of the day, a large break that turned into almost 12 hours of downtime. Anyone who has ever been on a set, or a shoot will tell you that the loss of momentum (usually after lunch) is the killer. 12 hours equals big loss of momentum.

I tried to take a nap, or at least get some rest (no luck there). Guy called with the latest soap-opera goings on with "The Project", so my stomach was a little upset. Then Tony H called with some feedback on the revised Time-Warner scripts. The feedback proved to be not particularly helpful, but certainly upped the pH on the stomach acid jacuzzi in my belly. I ended up spending a lot of the afternoon and evening sitting in Kate & Andy's garage, which was by now a real dungeon.


It took Tony a lot longer to get done at the concert than I had hoped. I had shot Kate's dialogue, and the abduction sequence (Tony was not required for those bits). I had started thinking about how the film might cut together with just one personality (short answer: it wouldn't) and as time dragged on, I began to think that there might not be a movie after all. In fact Tony's return was a mixture of relief tinged with disappointment, another excuse quashed.

We shot all night. It wasn't fun, it was work. We were tired, Tony was rough about the lines. I hadn't blocked everything fully and now I was running scared. It wasn't fair that I wanted Tony to do the lines as they were written while I was improvising all the direction. Life is not fair and Tony didn't complain at all. By 'at all' I mean not very much.

I got home around dawn, and in one of life's little ironic kicks to the crotch. I couldn't sleep.

5. The Battle After The Battle.
Since we had such a small crew (none) we certainly did not have the luxury of a slate (or clapperboard) and there was nobody doing the thankless task of the script-supervisor. The script-supervisor basically makes sure that the actors did the lines correctly and marks down which take the director likes best. They do some other things too, but that's the big stuff. I had shot almost 2 hours of footage for an 8 page script, and my movie can't be more than 10 minutes. There is a lot of chaff to separate from the wheat. That was what I did Tuesday, I captured the footage but had to look for what (and where) the good stuff was. It took all day to log and capture the footage. On Wednesday I began dropping the clips together and seeing what happens. It's Friday now and I'm still cutting things up. We have to shrink it from 12 minutes to under 10 and the audio (never my strong suit) had barely been touched. We have less than 24 hours, but barring anything horrendous (pun intended)...

IS IT A HORROR MOVIE? - Let me get back to you on that!

You tell me...

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Game On!

There will be lots to report (maybe) from this Thursday Knights sanctioned event.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Still Coming, just a bit later

We had some setbacks.
Kane had a haircut.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Coming Soon

Would you like to know more?

Friday, August 06, 2004

Cheese Friday

... nothing like it, in the whole world.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Happy Anniversary: Adam & Lisa

Has it been two years already? Amazing how quickly time flies. The Smart Patrol is overjoyed to congratulate the happy couple on this most auspcious occasion.

Incidentally, Adam received a new iPod for his anniversary, so we wish him much happiness.

However, since I actually performed the stinking ceremony and everything, you'd think I would've scored an iPod or something too.


Ceramic Phone Call
Tossed up by numbersix.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Shawn & Marisa - Congratulations!!

Photos to follow, but for now. Here is the transcipt.

After the ceremony, if you can wait that long, I invite you to mingle around the reception and meet your new friends because a wedding is a new beginning, a new start, for eveyone in attendance.unfortunately, not everyone who we would like to see here today couls be here. Shawn and Marisa would like to mention Grandpa Vlasak, and Grandma Tomlinson who are at home in Wisconsin and couldn't make the trip. They would also like to mention Nana and Paka Tomaselli, and Grandpa Tomlinson who are no longer with us, but I'm sure that they are all here in spirit, if not in person.

This is of course all the more reason why those of you here today, Those of US who are here today, should feel very lucky, very special to be here. After all WE are the people that shawn and marisa have chosen to witness this special event, this very special day in their lives. Our invitations are the gifts that THEY give US. An invitation to share with them the beginning of a journey. We thank them for this gift and it is customary to respond with gifts ourselves. Now if you brought a gift for them today, thats great, I'm sure that they will appreciate it and send along a thank you card very soon. However, I'd like to suggest another gift, and extra gift that many of you can give this couple.

The dictionary has several definitions for the word 'marriage' and while they were all... pretty good "Marriage is properly the act which unites the two parties, and matrimony the state into which they enter. Marriage is, however, often used for the state as well as the act. Wedlock is the old Anglo-Saxon term for matrimony." which as we can all agree is... confusing. it is easy to see why marriage is a scary undertaking, there is a lack of really useful reference information. Except of course, right here today. here we have a library of information, each couple here today has forged their own definition of marriage, what it means and what is doesn't mean, and for every married couple here today, I'll bet the definitions are different and unique. The extra gift that I would ask from you all here today is that you share your definition with the bride and groom. and because this is a special day for them... they have to listen to you, hopefully after today they will be smart enough to listen to you, but for today at least, they have to.Think of this an oppotunity to share all the "if I knew then what I know nows..." with shawn and marisa, I know that they will appreciate it down the road. and one day they will share their definition of marriage with others, keeping the tradition alive.There are many traditions in the ceremony of a wedding, at this time i'd like to ask the best man and the maid of honor to present the rings to the bride and groom.

(bride and groom take rings and put them on)

The ring has been used in wedding ceremonies as far back as ancient egypt. back then it was often a ring made of bone, leather or even papyrus that grew by the shores of the nile. the ring was symbolic to the ancient egyptians, as it is today, a symbol of eternity, without a beginning or an end, and worn on the third finger of the left hand because it was believed that the finger contained a vein that ran straight to the heart. It is not difficult therefore, to see how the ring and the gift of a ring began to be associated with love, in the hope that this most worthy of emotions could take on the characteristics of the circle and capture eternity.along with the exchanging of rings it is traditional to exchange vows. and that is where we are now. The vows are a public declaration of devotion and the contract that these two people have agreed to undertake.

(to Marisa)
do you Marisa take Shawn to be your lawfully wedded husband, to stand at his side as his partner through life, giving him your support,strength, guidance, and love. accepting support, strength, guidance and love from him, even when you know you're right and he's wrong?
(i do)

(to Shawn)
do you Shawn take Marisa to be your lawfully wedded wife, to stand at her side as her partner through life, giving her your support,strength, guidance, and love. accepting support, strength, guidance and love from her, even when you know you're right and she's wrong?(i do)

well, okay - you guys promised, everyone heard you.ladies and gentlemen, it is my extreme pleasure to be the first person to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Shawn and Marisa Tomlinson...Shawn, you may NOW kiss the bride.

(lead applause if necessary)

ladies and gentlemen, please join the bride and groom inside for cocktails and hors d'oevres.