Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Toby's shameless self-promotion

I got my blog back up and running. Please feel free to check it out and tell me it is awesome.

tw

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

The Hell That Is My Life

I've been stuck in a meeting for 6 hours today. I have at least 2 more hours left. Three people were close to an hour late. We have more bugs than succesful tests at this time. And to top it all off I think I'm getting sick. This is fan-freakin'-great.

SCENE FROM A BATHROOM: A short play

INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Toby pulls his toiletries bad from a larger duffle bag spilling clothes. He takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste tube.
There is KNOCK, KNOCK at the DOOR.
VOICE
(woman's)
"Hello? Steve...?"
TOBY
"Uh, no... sorry."
VOICE
"Ahh, who's that?"
TOBY
"Toby"
VOICE
"What are you doing in there?"
TOBY
"Uh, I was.."
VOICE
"You're not supposed to use that bathroom,
it's a private bathroom. You're not supposed to use it."

TOBY
"I, uh, I have a key. I got a key from the landlord"
VOICE
"I don't understand why he gave you one.
That's a private bathroom"

TOBY
"I guess I need to talk to him then"
VOICE
"I guess so, because that's a private bathroom"


Toby looks at the door. If he had x-ray vision he would see that the voice's owner has not left. He does not have x-ray vision.

TOBY
"So, I guess I need to talk to the landlord, then..."
VOICE
"I don't know why you'd have a key.
You shouldn't be in there... It's a private bathroom"


A pause. Again, Toby attempts to use his x-ray vision, to no avail.

TOBY
"I'll be right out, I don't have any pants on"

This is a lie, Toby does have pants on, but no shirt. The VOICE does not answer.

TOBY
"So I'm gonna need a minute or two"

If Toby did have x-ray vision, he would see that the owner of the voice had left.

Moments later, Toby LEAVES.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Local Man Picks Own Nickname, Friends Resist.

The OC - Local fixture, Justin 'Pimples' Armao, recently contacted a few long-time friends to inform them that from now on he would like his nickname to be 'Boots' or 'Bootsie'.

This change was prompted by his recent 'run-in' with losing his shoes.

Pundit, Andy 'The Neck' Cauble, was dubious that the new nickname would stick, "He's always been 'Pimples' as long as I've known him. I don't see that changing just from a moment or two in the spotlight".

Consumer, Jason 'Spanks' Turnbaugh, was divided, "If I could, I'd change my nickname in an instant, but I don't think you can pick your own... I think there's a rule about it? Maybe in the bible?".

Friend, Craig 'Craig' Underwood, is undecided about the new moniker, "I'll use it if someone else does... I got burned when he wanted everyone to call him 'Viktor' in high school. I looked a right bumberclod."

Justin did briefly change his name legally in 1988 to 'Rockmeister Armao Von Goldenmane' while performing with local metal band 'The Chrome Dogz' but changed it back three months later.

After drinking all that apple juice...

Andy passed a new, shiny quarter dollar celebrating our country's bicentennial.
Chalk it up to the magical properties of apple juice.

So It Turns Out...

That all the drugs I did in high school did affect my brain cells, because now I can't remember what in the hell I was going to type about - - - gimme a bit, maybe this gallon of apple juice will shake something loose.

(Wait is my stomach supposed to make that noise?)

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Whose bitch?   I think he meant to say...


"I'm rick james' bitch!"

brent, you forgot to add the possessionary apostrophe. this is a very common grammatical error, which probably occcured as a result of some minor finger slippage while using your computer's keyboard.

Note to everyone: minor finger slippage is the number one cause of common grammatical errors, and is NOT a known side effect of adderall, adderall RX, or the generic amphetamine mixed salts. for more information, please refer to the following off-site link.

I'm rick james bitch!

You're right. But why would i need a prescription when jenny malm has one -- it says so right here on the bottle. See, she gets them and sells them to some lovely man in a black coat, thus saving me the hassle of all that pesky doctorin and putting gas in the car to get down to the pharmacy... you know its really just a simple cost/benifit analysis, i can graph it for you if you need. Plus, we can all accept i need pills of some kind, i figure im just going to keep trying different ones until the right fit!

BRENT'S POST

it is spelled 'adderall' - which you would know if you'd ever had a prescription for it, or it wasn't in a bottle labled "Happy Head Pills".

For the unitiated, 'adderall' is a prescription medication for sufferers of ADHD, or whatever they are calling it this week. It is the NEW 'Ritalin', but intended for slightly older patients (and college students looking to augment their study techniques). Judging from Brent's rant, it doesn't work too well.

Welcome To The Smart Patrol

Saturday, March 27, 2004

AHEM... TESTING... 1, 2, 3.....

And this is what you all bugged me about?! First. I have no clue who most of you people are. But i recall my old friends being funny, so we must not have met. Second. Clearly you have forgotten your roots, as i see a scant 5 (!) uses of my name -- turn it into a curse word, wear it on a teeshirt i dont give a damn, lets show a little god damn respect for those that love you the most! Third. Of those i know, many i have not seen in a while... little has changed -- Except for some weird reason I've taken to using the word "faggot" much, much more (tobias, im looking at you). Guy, sup, how the bambino? miss you lots. Andy, take care of that wife, shes a sweet chick. Is tony or adam even around anymore? I miss tony's acerbic wit and massively hairy arms. And Adams apples. Justin... im tired of waiting for your kid to turn 16 so that i may finally purchase that corvette and impress all of her friends. And finally Fourth. I wish toby's man-jangles would drop and start pumping their fair share of hair seed so that he may discover women. Because i fear then and only then will we all be spared of these needless rants by the SAC-o-phant. Later all. And ah, oh yes, toby stop being such a faggot.

ps having read all the archive (yeah, I know, aderalls a savior), what the hell did toby do that was such a giant rant off? And for the record tob, cooling off doesnt mean simply ceasing to SAY youre right and they are wrong.... You have to think it too.

JUST IN: SHOES FOUND SAFE, answers still not found.

DAY 9
The saga of Justin's missing shoes is ended. Earlier today Justin Armao's favorite shoes were found, unharmed and well, behind a door in the bedroom of his apartment.
His daughter, Kira, is suspected to have moved the shoes, or at least to have taken part in their disappearance. So far she has denied involvement and refuses to speak further unless there ice cream sandwiches present.
"I'm just glad that I can finally leave the house again" beamed Justin in a press conference today, "Right after I watch TV for a while, I am very seriously thinking about walking out to the mailbox!! It's been weeks. But don't hold me to it, theys(sic) havin' a Nash Bridges Marathon on the Superstation, so I might be indisposed.

Good For You, Justin!

All hell breaks loose at the local deli counter!?

Side by side under the unrelenting heatlamps of popular deli The Rebel Rabbi a Turkey sandwich called a Rueben sandwich "Senor Jewbread". A heated three minute argument breaks out where slurs ranging from "Jive Turkey" to "Pumpernickel pussy" and "Queer" were overheard. Reports that a cornbeef on rye took a thumb in the bun could not be confirmed. In an unrelated incident long time busboy Wally "School bus" Pepper was killed by the shake machine.

I Used To Think It Was Creepy, But Toby Is A Genius!

20 Ways to Boost Your Baby's Brain Power
By Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D.

#10. Use BODY MASSAGE to decrease your infant's stress and enhance his feelings of well-being and emotional security. Loving touches promote growth in young babies. Research has shown that premature babies who are massaged three times daily are ready to leave the hospital days earlier than babies who do not receive massages.

Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D., professor emerita at Syracuse University, is the author, with H. Brophy, of Talking With Your Baby: Family as the First School.

Not Creepy

It's not creepy.
Now who wants a baby massage?
(wink)

tw

Friday, March 26, 2004

I'm assuming free range.

BAD COLUMN IDEAS #6: "What's on your floor?"


This weekly column (where each contributor would list certain unusual items that might be found on their floor) was cancelled while still in the planning stages

Toby Wallwork

Where Are Justin's Shoes?

DAY 8
Hope is fading today that Justin's brown shoes will ever be recovered. When interviewed Justin regretfully conceded that at some point he may have to consider wearing "the grey ones with the lace-ups" even though he believes "they are more of a hassle". Close friend Andy was "reservedly optimistic" that the shoes will be "in the last place you look. (It)Seems like it's always that way".

Justin describes the shoes as "brown" and "shoe-like" in shape.

Accident Sidelines 'Greek' Grand Prix


San Pedro, CA James "Corky" LeBlanc's hope of competing for the coveted "blue ribbon" in this year's all fraternity 'Greek' Grand Prix have been dashed.
LeBlanc, 21 was involved in a minor accident while qualifying for competition Tuesday at the San Pedro Fun Zone, host of the event.
"Bummer! said LeBlanc according to witnesses at the scene. He was not immediately available for comment due to being 'hung over' announced his girlfriend, Marcie in an interview this afternoon.
Timothy "asswipe" Weiss is recovering at San Pedro General Hospital. Weiss, 20 was in a qualifier heat of the "Drunken stagger after the kegstand contest" when he was struck by LeBlanc's vehicle.
Charges are expected to be filed in 'Greek' Council.

Weekend DIY Project Off To 'Bad Start', says local man.

Thursday, March 25, 2004


Smile

Tranformer Prototype Runs Amuk, Kills Wacky Inventor.

TOKYO, Japan

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US"

Man marries cash machine, demands asylum.


BOSTON,MA(TheBostonian) Vacationing elevator repairman, Thierry Alors-Burgiessé, 38 of France has something special to write on his postcards home. He's found himself a wife, and at the middle of a controversy. Alors-Burgiessé has surrendered himself to immigration authorities declaring that he is the spouse of a Siemens MiniBank 2100™ automated teller machine and demanding asylum while he pursues legal residency.
Though rare, the union is not unprecedented, in 1974 a Canadian woman claimed to be the wife of a coffee table in Ohio and requested temporary residency. Her request was declined when it was discovered that the woman was still married to a padded ottoman in Vancouver, BC.

Massachusetts law is unclear on the validity of Alors-Burgiessé's claim and is reviewing legal histories. However; Sieman's East Coast Service Supervisor, Thomas Gulliven has given the couple his blessing after examining the machine for signs of tampering.
"The MiniBank™ is a beauty" he agrees "I prefer the lines on our new Cash-o-Matic 2601™, myself but have to hand it to the French dude, congratulations and best wishes from all of us at Siemens!".

The couple is expected to settle in the west corner of the 7-11 market where they first met.

Crazy Like a FOX: Manimal returns to TV!


HOLLYWOOD,CA(AccessHollywood) In what can only be described as a stupendous error in judgment, part time television network FOX-TV has renewed a show that was cancelled over 20 years ago.
Manimal has been picked up for a full run beginning in the Fall season. Previous underachievers 24 and The O.C. are expected to be displaced to accomodate an unprecedented twice weekly schedule.
"Crazy" Jim Wirkuss, Fox-TV's head of development has attributed the move to "Something I did while I was stoned, seriously I was frickin' hammered... I woke up in a dumpster..." and also lamented, "We're paying the black dude a million bucks an episode? his price went way up after Ice Pirates".
Entertainment pundits have declared the bold move a "career ending blunder" and "an idea much much worse than Ally McBeal".
Simon McCorkindale, the show's lead, is allegedly cutting short his national tour of "Falcon's Crest: the musical" to begin filming new episodes.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

A Call To Arms

I think when Toby sent out the request for people to post more he meant "good posts" and not "crappy posts". Let's try to get back to the quality posts we know we're all capable of people. This has been a sad sad week in the 3 week history of The Smart Patrol.

Toby tells Justin to get out and Justin asks Did you write that from your underground bunker?

And you're not the boss of me and your posts are like the dialogue in an episode....of...ummmmm....Numbnuts follies around season 7................................FACE!!!!!!.

Justin needs to get out.

Is it just me or are his posts like the dialog in an episode of Speed Racer?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

That is a good point Altruistic Kswiss

I also saw many an article in the mainstream media that pointed out the Zombie theme that runs through these films. Me think New Dawn of Dead is best movie I see in long ass time and is much better than original. I don't like tv newscaster banter it always sucks. Colin Quinn is not so funny. Politicians are dickfaces. Jim Hill is a good solid sportscaster. Oprah is downright Kentucky fried evil. I saw Midget kkk on Jerry Springer but they don't hate blacks they hate tall people. I still don't have a cell phone but it seams like more and more people are shocked that i don't have one I think I am weird. Tapatio is good stuff.

People Love Their Zombies

Is it just me or is the fact that Dawn Of The Dead (a zombie movie) unseated The Passion Of The Christ (a prequel to a zombie movie) as the number one movie in the U.S. just funny as hell to you?

Monday, March 22, 2004

Oklahoma Lottery "Clearly Fixed" Claims Local Woman

Oklahoma City, OK(AP/Saturday) Saturday's BigLotto™ drawing has sparked controversy and accusations from Mrs. Floreen Hasker, 58 of Green Biscuit, a suburb of Oklahoma City.
"Until they get those balls looked at, count me out" she declared in an op/ed piece in Green Biscuit's local newspaper.
"If I could buy a ticket with just the number eleven on it, well I'd be a wealthy woman" she said in a telephone interview on Friday, "and I'm not a wealthy woman".
Hasker believes that the number eleven comes up with "alarming regularity" and is the main reason she is calling for a full and thorough investigation.
Oklahoma's State Lottery Comissioner, Mañuel Cipequa replied to Hasker in an op/ed piece due for publication tomorrow.
"There is no statistical evidence that the number eleven is a winning number in any disproportional manner. Furthermore there is no evidence that five and eight get 'jew-ed' as Mrs. Hasker has claimed in previous communications."
In 1997 Mrs. Hasker suggested that the number system be scrapped entirely and replaced with a letter based system so that winning "words would be drawn instead of numbers. That would really help our schools. Maybe words like 'booger' would come up and Jay Leno would do a little bit about it on his show".
Comissioner Cipequa declined to comment on that subject, but said the state had no plans to change the operation of the state's lottery.

Don't look at me, I quit smoking.



Area Man's New Haircut Is "Fooling No One".


COLUMBUS, OH Friends and co-workers of Daniel Beckitt, 33 of Machewicca are "apalled" and "disturbed" by the new "All-business" haircut sported by Beckitt at a recent inter-departmental mixer.
"It's a put-on" said Office Supervisor Marjory McKeen "This 'slick and trim' new do makes him look like management material, but it must be the hair talking because his annual review clearly did not indicate that a push upstairs was in order".
Last Summer Beckitt was spotted wearing a "ridiculous Atlanta Braves baseball cap" in the office until McKeen reminded him that it was a violation of the companies dress code
"Besides, who wears a Braves hat in Columbus? I ask you" added McKeen who notes that she has "an Indians sticker on my Tercel, and I always will thank-you very much".
Co-worker, Gregory Poole remarked "I like Danny and all, but that haircut makes him look like a tool", but was not aware of the baseball cap incident as it took place during his vacation to Hilton Head, SC.
Beckitt could not be reached for comment due to a scheduled podiatrist appointment.

Love Connection Couple Call it Quits

HOLLYWOOD(Monday) Janice Watson and Tom Corrington, the last successful "Love Connection" couple from the 80's dating show of the same name, have finally split after "all kinds of shenanigans" reports a source close to the couple.
Originally meeting in 1992 the couple enjoyed a 'wonderful' and 'really special' evening at the Chili's Restaurant in Burbank, courtesy of the shows producers.
In recent years, Tom experienced several professional setbacks that placed stress on the couple's relationship. Janice owns a successful Aroma Therapy clinic in the San Fernando Valley.
"We tried to get them back for a prime-time reunion special about 8 months ago" said the shows host Chuck Woolery, "but you could just tell that they were not as close as they had once been"
The couple were never married and in a recent interview admitted to only actually seeing each other 'every few months' when Tom's business brought him to the West Coast from his home in St. Petersburg FL.
They have agreed to share the lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni that they received after the their appearance on the show. However the Conair TravelMate™ hairdryer was lost in 1996 and there are no plans for replacement or compensation.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Hey!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't make any more James Bond movies unless James Bond is fighting a semi kinda somewhat evil band of pizza making Strippers*

(*Female strippers)

4 out of 5 Doctors think the 5th Doctor is a "Fuckin' Asshole"

Friday, March 19, 2004

President Kick-Starts Economy


Print these and remember to cut them out carefully.

Don't thank me, thank George.

tw

I Have To Stop Staying So Late At Justin's On Thursday.



I'm tired.
I just spilled my Coke into my keyboard.
It seems to be working ok still.
For now...

I Retract My Previous Statement about Guy


Guy likes Pirates!!!

Who knew? If you like pirates, you're ok in my book. If you don't like pirates your a pinko commie. Pirates are so lovable with their wooden legs, eye patches and severed limbs replaced with hooks. They even have monkeys some time.

Here's to the rum chugging scally-wags of the Seven Seas... ARRRRRRRGH!!!

I'm really bored. Can I go home yet?

I like lots of things!


I like this too.

yummy!

Wait a second...

You're right, I AM full of THE HATE.

But I'm working on it.

I must have some Irish in me, it's not my fault.
I'm a victim.

Can you help to empower me?


What, Who Me?!

Who said I hated Bare Naked Ladies? I'm not a fan but I never said I hated them. Monkeys are great. Monkeys in clothes, not so great. I like funny more than serious any day, ask my wife when was the last time we watched a serious movie. She'll tell you, I'd rather watch a bad comedy than a good drama.

Your info needs to be checked better next time pal. Don't make me get drunk and beat your ass.
In a funny way of course.

Peace out my brother.

I like pirates too.

Why does Guy hate everything so much?

I figured out why Guy doesn't like Barenaked Ladies. It's because they are really funny and put on a great show. Guy doesn't like "Funny". Guy likes "Serious".

Why does Guy hate everything so much? You guys always say I don't like anything. I think Guy beats me in that department by far.

Come on Guy, lighten up buddy. It's ok to like monkeys in clothes, listen to fun music, laugh at movies about retards and eat fruit. You won't lose your serious music edge. We'll all still like you.

It Turns Out Canadians Are Loud Obnoxious @$$holes Too


So, it turns out Canadia really does want to be America Junior. I went to the Barenaked Ladies concert at the Universal Ampitheater last night. We got there a little after the opening band had already started and it turns out my curse isn't only for movies. The people behind us were talking non-stop for at least 15 minutes as if nothing else was going on in the theater and I'm sure they started way before we got there.

Luckily I wasn't the one that said something this time. The lady sitting next to them pretty much flipped out. It was pretty sweet. Many expletives were thrown back and forth which almost came to blows being thrown. They loud talkers then looked to us for sympathy for being yelled at when I explained to them that they were being very loud but we agreed perhaps there was a better way to handle the situation.

I then found my proof that Canadians are loud obnoxious assholes. They explained that they were from Canadia (aka. America Jr.) and had been listening to BNL since Jr. High. I guess this gave them the right to act like retarded 4 year olds in front of a group of people. Who knew? The rest of the show they proceeded to explain how lucky us "Americans" were for having such great Canadians show up in our country.

If Canadia is so great why are you here in Amercia, eh? Go home you hockey watchin', moose lovin', maple syrup eating hosers!!!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Just Say It Like It Is

I was working on a web page at work today when I noticed this little detail. Just seemed a little blunt.

21 Reasons for Title Insurance

Reason 4: A deed or a mortgage may have been made by an insane person or one otherwise incompetent.

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!!! SMART PAAAAATROL!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Unions Are For Pussies

So I go to the local Albertson' today to grab a 2 liter of Pepsi to complement my pal Jim Beam while I watch the Lakers whoop up on the bastard basketball stepson clan that is the L.A. Clippers. When I hit the register the damn checkout communist didn't even say hi, look me in the eye or do anything speical to warrant her 4 months of tireless and pointless bitching about having to pay for insurance she should've been paying for all along. She handed me my change and said nothing as she turned to her fellow militant whiner to start gabbing about the next pretend problems they will have. The "scab" (or should I say employees who valued their job and did what they're supposed to) employees were always nice, they did everything they could to make shopping for food (an inherent annoyance in life) a quick and pleasant experience. They always, at the very least, said thank you when they handed me change from the money I just spent to pay their checks.

Maybe I should start picketing the employees of the grocery industry and moan about what incompetent morons they are and how they might want to do their job they signed on for if they plan on getting compensated for it.

The Lakers won though, so that was nice...

My Feet Are Sore

oh boy, I been on me dogs all the live-long day.

yow.

Stampy Strikes Again!!!

A text message conversation with Brent beginning at 10:03 am on March 17th, 2004

Brent: I have begun-its my day B*TCH! MY DAY! f*ck me, im irish.
Jason: Drinking binge?
Brent: Binge? not all ecompacing enough-im going to get so drunk i forget my own name!
Jason: Just don't kill yourself. If you pee green tomorrow you know you did it right. If you pee red you might want to have a doctor check that out.

(My side of the conversation is paraphrased as I can't see my messages. Brent's spelling errors are left in intentionally)

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY DAD!!! (3-17-1947)

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I Like Pirates Too.


This makes me smile. Is that wrong?

Celebrity Remembers Lost Car Keys

AMSTERDAM, The Netherlands (Tuesday) International recording artist Tori Amos was "delighted" and "relieved" to remember where she had left the keys to her car, a 1989 Ford Tempo some 4 years ago.
Cameras captured the event as Amos was appearing on The Netherlands' second most popular talk-show, The Siggy Van Pool Talk and Sing Programme. "I was just leaving for a tour" said Amos "And when I got back, I couldn't find the keychain anywhere. I was sure that I'd have to leave the car in the carport at my friend's place. It was especially disapointing because I left a bunch of my favorite tapes in the trunk".
Immediately after the broadcast, Amos called the United States.
" Kelly! Look in the change dish on the coffee table, under the all the pennies". Close friend, Kelly Branderson reported to Amos that the keys were indeed there.
"She said there was a half pack of Mentos there too" Amos joked "I remember buying them and thinking they were stale. I bet they're stale now eh?". Later she noted, "I was sure I had looked in that dish before, but y'know I bet I forgot"

Monday, March 15, 2004

Nothing to do with nothing

Found:


Lifted from http://www.deadjournal.com/users/wurzeltod

Proof

All day at work today I had to call America's Wang* and lemme tell you (even though I've never been there but will be this June) that the rumors about the Sunshine State being useless to human development are true.

After spending a good 15 minutes of my day explaining the difference and inherent meaning of the words "exterior" and "interior", it seems to me that voting isn't the only thing Floridians have trouble grasping. Apparently down there they have discovered that their opposable thumbs aren't for using tools, holding various implements of creation/destruction or hitching a ride to anywhere else - - - they are strictly for sitting on.



* America's Wang - an all too appropriate term for the not-so-great phallic state of Florida.

I agree with Toby we should sell Florida to the Germans

But couldn't we just put Florida on the curb and wait for the trash guy. I have no idea why people think Florida is a nice place. I think FLorida use to be part of the United States but got divorced al ong time ago and all they got was full custody of humidity.

Jason and Christa naked fixing her computer!!

Another Reason To Sell Florida to the German Tourism Board.

This is not from The Onion. This is real
Fla. Man Shot In Face Because He Looked Like A Vampire...

Click Link to open in a new window, then come back





I wish I could make this up. I wish I could write for Curb Your Enthusiam, or Arrested Development, both excellent shows. However, the local news is still our greatest resource for entertainment.

Toby

AQUABATS FAN SAVES 20% ON CRAPPY ITALIAN MEAL


Disneyland, Anaheim California
Saturday, March 13, 2004

Late Saturday night, a fan of the outrageous and sometimes controversial ska band "The Aquabats" saved $2.68 by wearing his favorite Aquabats shirt. As he approached the cash register Mr. Turnbaugh was asked by the cashier if he was an Aquabats fan. Explaining to the woman that the Aquabats were indeed his favorite band lead to an extensive conversation about how both would miss an upcoming concert due to the "Sold Out" status of the tickets. Both were disappointed.

When Mr. Turnbaugh went to pay with his Partners ATM and Check card (The Official Credit Union of the Disney Corporation) the cashier asked if he was still an employee. After explaining that he was not an employee but his father was the cashier gave him the 20% employee discount anyway.

When asked how he felt about the encounter stunned Mr. Turnbaugh reported, "Who knew wearing my favorite Aquabats shirt would get me a free soda? THANKS AQUABATS!!!"

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Van Nuys High School Class of 1979: Michael Knight


Hi there. I can't believe that our 25 year reunion is coming up. I can't wait to meet up with everyone at the Sheraton Hotel in June. We've got lots to catch up on. 25 years, wow!!
What have I been up to? Well until recently I was working for a privately funded organization known as FLAG, the Foundation for Law And Government. At FLAG we did lots of cool stuff. One time I had to chase an armored car through the sewers of North Hollywood before it could steal a rare new element. Another time I had a mexican standoff against a semi truck made out of the same molecular bonded shell as my 'bitchen' 82 Trans Am, and to top it off, it was being driven by my evil twin (who had a goatee so you could tell us apart). That was two-parter if you know what I mean!
My boss was tensed-up European dude named Devon Myles. I think he was from France or maybe Paris. He was pretty good guy for a boss but most of the time my annual review would get postponed because he'd been kidnapped by Canadian Terrorists and I'd have to go and 'bring the beatdown' if you know what I mean (wink).
His secretary, Bonnie was totally hot for me. But like my Dad always used to say, "You don't poop where you eat" so I set her up with the guy that fixed the copier, and then dumped her for cheating on me.

Eventually I had to leave the company to pursue my dream of becoming a lifeguard in Malibu. I'm still waiting to hear back from them, so keep those fingers crossed.

Still no wedding ring, but I should tell the ladies out there that I was married briefly but she was killed by ninjas, it sucked. But now I'm cool and ready to love again.

I hope that 'Stinky Poncharello and Sonny"the man" Crockett show up. Those guys were way cool.

Go Van Nuys Huskies!!

Mikey "the Night Rocker" Knight (formerly Michael Long, but I got shot in the face and stuff, so i changed my name)

Friday, March 12, 2004

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!


GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

President Declares "Phones are the tools of al-Quaeda"


WASHINGTON D.C. (Capitol PennyThrift & Coupon Caddy) In a press conference today, U.S. President George W. Bush declared that America's phone systems were in league with the "Evil, evil forces of evil.".

"My voicemail is all jacked up and the speakerphone? Forget about it. Don't get me started on weekend minutes, what a gyp!" Bush was also heard to complain that "Someone has been calling Pizza Hut ordering up to 10 pies a night delivered to the White House for a 'Miss Juwanna Hugmaballs'... How much clearer does it have to be America?" Bush spoke while pointing at a photograph of beloved funnyman Dudley Moore and announcing "Osama, we will find you".

When pressed the President was not able to reveal any further details. It is no secret that the President has expressed serious doubts in the "safeosity, strongtitude and securityness" of our nation's telecommunications network; however he has rarely gone on record with his concerns.

Wyoming Congressman Tad Waverley attended the press conference, "This is the least remarkable thing I ever heard. But did you notice those little party snacks by the door? I gotta come to more of these things!!", and later added "This is a full size Baby Ruth bar! All these are full size. I'm gonna take some with me in case its a long session in congress tonight. Wait a minute, is that a Clark bar..?".

Dudley Moore died in 2002 of pneumonia as a complication of progressive supranuclear palsy and could not be reached for comment. His estate has denied any connection to al-Quaeda and Miss Juwanna Hugmaballs.

KID SNICKERS TO THE RESCUE!!!



I wanted a logo too. WEEEE!!!

The Prisoner (aka Toby) Gets A Logo

The Altruistic Puma (aka Andy) Gets A Logo Too

Jar-Jar Spinks (aka Justin) Gets A Logo

NEW 'OUTHOUSE' CLEARLY VIOLATES LOCAL CODES.


COSTA MESA, CA(AP/Reuters) Homeowners on the street of Andy & Kate Cauble are divided at the 'new fangled' and 'fancy poop palace' that the couple has erected their back yard. Construction was done "On the downlow" and "Mostly at night when nobody can see us workin'"

"Hell of a thing" said neighbor Les Fincher, "It puts my outdoor statue of Sean Cassidy to shame. Bully for them".

However, not all of the couple's neighbors are supportive, "As a taxpayer I don't see why they can have a fancy outdoor bathroom and I have to put up with my cramped indoor bathroom, which I share with my pet llama, Gus" said one neighbor who asked not be identified.

Code enforcement officials at City Hall have few problems with the structure, even though it violates a local ordinance by 96 storeys, and includes a restaurant level and ample parking for 450 vehicles.

"Lets just say, they didn't forget to sign the application with a 'Ben Franklin' if you know what I mean" said "Friendly" George Romanetti, co-chair of the city's planning department. Romanetti is presently under investigation by Orange County's grand jury on an unrelated matter.

"We just wanted something a little special" said Cauble. "And since I spend upwards of 6 hours a day in the can, I figured we should do it up fancy".

As a conciliatory olive branch, Cauble has invited his neighbors to "come on in an try out the facilities, see what all the fuss is about." but warned to "bring yer own paper, I ain't made o'money".

Bravo, bravo...

And the Award For Most Dramatic (and yet redundant) sarcasm goes to...


Justin & Jason for "Toby's phone stopped me from hitting it with an internet chat room vixen"

Thank you and good night.

Where is Toby's Phone?

Justin: You know what woke me up this morning?
Jason: Your incredibly strong urge for a fifth couch?
Jason: The "Ya-Whore" that was trying to sneak out before Kira woke up?
Jason: I don't know. What woke you up?
Justin: A beeping sound under my pillow.
Jason: Tobys phone?
Justin: Yes


Posting Images To The Site

Everyone can post images to the site.

In your post simply use the following code:

(It's typed funny so it doesn't get read actual code)

Inside the <> tags type
img src="PATH NAME"
where PATH NAME is the location of your image.

ie.
img src="http://www.healthday.com/images/editorial/manstomachsm.jpg"
(this is the image Toby posted of the guys gut)

If you have an image you would like to use for the site that is not already on the world wide web, send it to me and I will post it on Monkey1.com and send you the path to use in your code.

Also, if you have a funny picture of yourself you would like to use on the site send it to me and I will make them all the same size so we can use them in the title bar, side panel, or as a signature image.

Congratulations...

Kid Snickers you have pulled off a very clean and unnecessary coup, and for that I am in awe. (Not like look at that cute little puppy kind of "awe", or like that "awe" sound you make when you realize your penis has become a circus peanut as you disembark a chilly wintery pool, but more like the "awe" you're in when you realize that as an adult you could potentially eat cookies all day and nobody could stop you kind of awe.)

What would be really cool is if we could all post pictures instead of you hoggin' all the visually aided fun for yourself.

Remember, "They who coup can be couped as well. Robble, robble."
(An excerpt from The Hamburglar Diaries, circa 1990)

Guy's Moniker

As said in tonight's/today's Thursday Knight session, I think Guy's nickname should be...

Mr. DNA

Why?
1) Because it is part of the song which has borne our tiny tiny tiny community's name
2) Becuase of his super human ability to impregnate his wife
3) Becuase the Shamrock Shake only comes around once a year and I think we should all take advantage of it's limited, yet widespread availablity.

P.S.
I'm well aware that shakes (and for that matter mass manufactured dairy products of any sort) have nothing to do with Guy's need for a moniker, but I think the aneurism just flared up again....... wait....... yep....... it's the aneurism..... PACHINKO PLAYIN' GLAMOUR ROCKET!!!!! (Sorry - I'll get this under control by the next post)

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Toby Is A Filthy, Filthy Liar

That's not Toby's chest. That chest has hair on it. We all know Toby lacks the essential hormones and nutrients to produce anything but peach fuzz.

I call shananigans on you, Toby Wallwork!
SHANANIGANS, I SAY!!!

Jesus Christ that is a lot o' postin'!!!

I sure hate to read and your not helping with all this posting. Lets call him the Ass of Base. I eat crackers and I am a Cracker. That Toby and Kid Snickers they got spunk! What do you tell a dead guy with two smashed Ipods by his side... You don't cuz you already told him twice............oooooooh Snap!

Hey I got a web cam!

Standy by while I adjust it. This is gonna be great.



Can anyone tell me how to make the picture bigger? I lost the instructions.
I don't think the refresh is working either.

tw

Re: My nether regions.

If I can't see 'em, you can't discuss 'em.
END OF LINE

Yes, I am in complete agreement with the "Kid"....

We should speak more often about Toby's nether regions.

As far as the identit(ies) of phatty and el hombre - we are one in the same. no need for a mystery my friends. Just one lost soul having an identity crisis. But this soul is finding re-establishment, in the waiting, open arms of The Smart Patrol.

iPods Are Deadly.

The Girlfriend, in The Living Room, with The iPod

Posted Mar 11, 2004, 9:32 AM ET by Sean Bonner

Brad Pulaski had died of blunt trauma to the head after being repeatedly bludgeoned with an iPod, a popular MP3 player produced by Apple.

Police said no motive has been confirmed, although evidence suggested the murder was the result of a domestic dispute after Pulaski erased the contents of Mathers’ iPod.

According to law officers, Mathers was hysterical when police arrived and told them that she killed her boyfriend only after he accused her of illegally downloading music and erased about 2,000 of her MP3s. Mathers complained that it took 3 months to build her music collection.

lifted from: http://apple.weblogsinc.com/


Toby adds:

I'm no Dr.Phil, but something tells me these kids were having some problems way before the iPod came along. However I did give Dr. Phil a call and he said...



"Hi, I'm Dr. Phil. If this was my girlfriend I'd have to ask her just what the hell is the matter with her. But maybe I would've gotten her a mini iPod 'cause they are awesome, and being a lot smaller she'd probably just bust up her hand instead of really doing any real damage to me (or my head). Sometimes people just don't 'think it out before they act it out'. She had a lot of stolen mp3s in her collection, I hope it wasn't anything by Hootie and The Blowfish, cause those fellahs are real nice and they need the money to support that one guy "Hootie" and his cocaine problem. If it was something by those Creed guys, well I would not give a toss, those guys just plain suck. It ain't worth killing over ('specially Creed). And don't steal music folks, my good friend Andy has it all anyway"

Smart guy that Dr. Phil. Maybe that's why they made him a doctor.

Tootin' My Own Horn...

I have taken over control of the SMART PATROL. My extensive knowledge of the little known coding language known as "HTML" has raised the bar for the Thursday Knights. MUHAHAHAHAH!!!!

And just because I can...
A horribly embarrasing picture of your former leader.

(It's not that embarrasing, but it sure am funny.)

Beware Kid Snickers!!!

Is this add for candy bars
or Toby's nether regions?

You decide...

Teflon Don sez "Smart Patrol is funnier than being dead"

Dis is John Gotti, if wasn't dead then I'd be writin' for dose goombas at The Smart Patrol.


Unfortunately I am dead and I was a real bastard anyways. However I did have a wonderful singin' voice, so I ain't all bad.

Keep up the good work and don't forget The Sopranos is junk.

John "The Teflon Don" Gotti

Screw The Bandwidth, lets get photos

And now a word from our sponsor...


copy, paste. I love them both equally

tw

Snickers has upped the bar, folks.

GUY JULIAN: Rock 'N' Roll Super Star

I think Guy's moniker should be "Ace of Bass".
Bass like the fish. Not bass like the guitar he plays.

Speaking of Guy playing bass (Yes, I mean the guitar this time. Not the fish.)
Here's a picture of Guy working his magic at Angel's in beautiful downtown Corona.
And by "beautiful downtown", I mean "horrid industrial area of"

Whatever Happened To Common Courtesy?

What has happened to our society?

Why do people think it's ok to talk in movies?
Why do people use speaker phones at full volume in a shared office enviroment?
Why do people leave their cell phones on their desks with the ring at full volume when they know they aren't going to be there to answer it?
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO RETARDED?

Think about how your actions might affect other people before you make them. Have some respect for your fellow man.

Maybe next time I'm driving my car through the parking lot, I won't think about how pushing on the brake pedal might stop me from running your stupid ass over.

Just Say No... To Terrorists.

After this thing in Spain (which is really horrid by the way, no joke) I'm going on record as being anti-terrorist. From now on I am officially UN-inviting terrorists to read our blog. If you are a Basque seperatist, or a jihad-er or an Irish Republican Soldier you are instructed to un-bookmark this site and pursue a peaceful and civil solution to your individual grievances. At that time please feel free to return to the fold, with arms wide open like that tool in the Creed video (minus the cocaine addled psyche).

I'm just trying to increase the peace.

tw

Guy

is a cool moniker.
It's okay if this is mostly a messageboard.

'Cause we gotta send a message to the haters. Th'message is PEACE.

Word.


Cracker

Thursday Night Scratch-off

Does that mean that tonight we'll be scratching Puma's scratchers?

My Bad...

Just because I don't hold pizza in the same regard as the Puma, does not mean I dislike him.
I love him, in that gay movie kind of way. Not "Will and Grace" gay, but more like tender gay porn.
Congrats on the tix.

Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, Family Guy, Firefly, and Futurama, are good shows.
Greg The Bunny, on the other hand, we will have to agree to disagree.

Doppler 7000 Bitch!

I also am curious about the true identities of phatty and hombre.

Did I ruin this blog? I think I turned it into a message board.

I need a cool moniker too. Any suggestions?


Friends Don't Let Friends Blog Angry - an apology

I was pretty mad on Wednesday.
I went off on a bit of selfish rant.
Made me look like a raving maniac.
Calmed down, got over it
Killed the angry blog.
Gotta be careful, blogging is a privilege, not a right.

Toby Wallwork
"Cool As A Cucumber"

What should I do???????????

I mean I have many weather choices but do I go with Channel 4 Pinpoint Doppler or ABC's Doppler 7000 or every other station that has Doppler. One station Doppler that predicts weather down to the street THE FUCKING STREET!! (These dipshits couldn't predict Burritos at Del Taco)That is bullshit Fuckin sell the Doppler and buy a Camero because if u are a weatherman in CA you can predict the weather by waking up and saying it will be sunny today and 9 times out of ten they are wrong. The news sucks. And many happy times to Andy and his scratchers. Craig Kilborn is not funny. (By the way there is a 100% chance of Burritos at Del Taco with a 60% chance of undercooked fries)...................................And does being a fucking Asshole pay a lot of money? Cuz everyone is doing it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

A Mystery At The Smart Patrol

What is the mystery you ask?

Who is "phatty fat-fat-fat" and "el hombre alto"?

Who could these most mysterious of the mysterious Patrolmen be? I wonder, you wonder, everyone wonders if the question of these Patrolmen's identities will ever be solved.....

I Am The Smartest Man Alive!

Look who is the proud owner of 50 scratcher tix for answering the trivia question right - ME!!! Though getting tickets to a game would have been absolutely great, somehow I have absolutely no trouble winning a fistful o' lottery tix.

I can't believe I just called a station and actually pulled this crap off!! With no thanks to Jesus or his deadbeat Dad, I have pulled off what I have only said I would do in passing. Dammit - I'M A WINNER!!

Could things be turning around? Could this be the dawn of a new "good spot" for myself, my kin and my fellow Patrolmen? If you ask me I think so!!!

P.S. - Guy, why you hate me, I have nothing but love for you and yours.... :(

I WIN!! I WIN!! I WIN!! I WIN!!

A New Low/High

As of right now I'm on hold to speak to one Larry Burnett, the incredibly white, annoying and medicore host of Lakerline (the call-in show on radio after every game). I have never been so bored as to call a radio station, but there's a first time for everything (including the inevitable puking in an inappropriate place, 'member Toby?) so I figured screw it, I'm calling.

Also, I have the correct answer to the nightly trivia question and that will yield me tix* to a game. Though my first reflex is to try and say "meow" ten times in the conversation, I'll have to hold back.

I'm next to come on, so wait a minute here...

Damn on a break now, but I'm next on after the commercials...

While we wait - here's one of your favorite songs for you to sing in your head.....


* tix - the "Heavy Metal/Hollywood" spelling of tickets. Also acceptable is putting a "z" on the end of plural words, i.e. - boyz, girlz.

technology befuddles me.

i have been befuddled.

my coffee maker has spewed brewed coffee everywhere. everywhere that is, except for in the proper spewing location (i.e. the coffee pot).

(no coffee + morning) x ME = 999999999999Error

It is true I am probably not a communist

My membership expired and I aint paying no fifty cents for no coke!

Why Do They Cancel All The Shows We Love?

Yesterday, I went to Target on my way to work and picked up some DVDs. One of them being the George Ramero classic, "Dawn of the Dead". This seems to be a popular title, well loved by the members of The Smart Patrol. So, I won't waste time talking about it. However, my other purchase brings up a topic which has plagued the Thursday Knights since their inception. That's right, I forked over $35 (plus tax) for the "Futurama: Season 3" box set.

Why is it that every program that we have ever loved is tossed aside like it's the nations red headed step child? Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, Greg The Bunny, Family Guy, Firefly (for those that have seen it) and Futurama, just to name a few. So as not to waste to much of your time I will give you the Cliff Notes version of the answer: "AMERICA IS FILLED WITH RETARDS!" And I'm not talking about the happy go lucky, short a chromosome retards that we have all come to love (Except Guy. Retards make him uncomfortable). I'm talking just stupid, stupid individuals who watch the same Prime Time crap from night to night.

How many nights in a row can you watch some guy figure out that a husband killed his wife for the insurance money by finding a pubic hair in his carpet? Everyone doesn't love Raymond. I have news for you: Raymond's an asshole! I think the DISH network might have the best deal ever. Please take CBS away. I don't think anyone will be missing classics, like "The King of Queens" or "Star Search". Who cares if Betty Joe beats out Bobby Sue in the "Best 8-Year Old Hog Caller from Bum-F*ck Idaho" competition?

When the majority of good television isn't even made available to the general public, because they can't afford cable, it worries me even more. People are just going to keep getting dumber and dumber and then there really won't be anything for us to watch anymore. It's just disappointing that the networks don't give good shows a chance to catch an audience.

Guy

don't know pizza.

Justin may or may not be a communist.

I'm a little hungry.

FYI

The OLD voice of reason was Fuu Hououji.
Pizza is NOT the be all, end all, of food products.
It's good, maybe great, but not the best.
I think the Puma may have lost his way.

ALTRUISTIC:
 
  Definition: [adj] showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others
 
  Synonyms: selfless
 
  Antonyms: egoistic
 
  See Also: unselfish

 Webster's 1913 Dictionary
 
  Definition:  
\Al`tru*is"tic\, a. [Cf. F. altruiste, a. See{Altruism}..]
Regardful of others; beneficent; unselfish; -- opposed to
{egoistic} or {selfish}. --Bain. -- {Al`tru*is"tic*al*ly},
adv.

Justin Armao is not a communist.


Miss Right? I'm rightover here.

For some time now I have been waiting for her to find me. Some would suggest that love has to be sought out, nurtured and cultivated and a whole lot of 'hoo-ey'.
But, seeing that I am much smarter than most people, I concocted a plan of such elegant simplicity that the ramifications are yet to be truly appreciated.

I did nothing.

Rather than risk missing her by a minute due to a series of romantic comedy mishaps (see Serendipity... actually don't see Serendipity, but if you saw the trailer then you know what I mean) I decided that the smart money was on keeping still, and waiting her out.

I'm still waiting.

My mother (who is insane now, but used to be okay) told me that there was someone for everyone. A special person that God made just for you. I knew she was right, because I was six and so far Mom was batting a thousand. Ever since that day I've been wondering if my Miss Right was ever going to show up.

It is entirely possible that Miss Right lost my trail in 1988 when my family moved across the country to California for my Dad's work. While I did make several pleas to my parents, they decided that Miss Right or no, I should move with them to California rather than live in a tent in my friend's backyard (my original plan). I made sure that all our neighbors had the new address but Mrs. Grandt who lived next door was still holding a grudge from the time I set her fence on fire, so I can't be sure she held on to the index card with our address on it. She's dead now, so I'm not mad at her.

But I am getting mad at Miss Right( just kidding). After all, time is getting on. I have dodged any other forms of commitment to keep my options open for her arrival. Granted I have considered going and looking for her myself, but I was sure that was a recipe for disaster and decided to stick to my plan.

I am, however, listed in the phone book including my address. Unfortunately the phone book people don't accept photographs for inclusion so I'm just going to have to hope that Miss Right has enough gumption to work her way through to the Ws. (HINT: Start at the end of the book and work your way backwards). I also check with information (the 411 people) just to make sure that my listing is in order, at the moment they don't keep tally of how many requests there have been for my number, so I don't know if Miss Right has called yet. Maybe the phone company should consider adding that service, just an idea.

Three years ago I recieved a call from someone who could have been Miss Right, however I found it very doubtful that my Miss Right would only speak Spanish, and since my name is not Manuel Soto, I had to tell the woman on the phone that I was not her 'Señor Verdad' after all. As it turned out she was trying to reach Mr. Soto because he had not paid his cable television bill in four months and had no romantic interest in him whatsoever. However I wished her much luck on her search.

This Summer I will finally get approval from the city to put up my billboard(Fingers crossed). After eighteen months and six rejections from the planning commission, my billboard will go up on the corner of Seventeenth and Walnut. I would like to thank Mr. Gerald Bennett from next door for letting me put some of the billboard over his house as well as mine, Thanks Mr. B!

So as you can see, I've certainly done my fair share of the work here. So if Miss Right is out there, she really has no excuse for not finding me.

After all this, I still believe in true love.

Toby Wallwork
March 2004

"New Zombie Flick - GREENLIT" - Variety

Hollywood, CA - Wednesday(AP/Reuters) Horror 'meister' George Romero's Icky Slashy Pictures has begun production on their newest feature.
Brunch Of The Extremely Sluggish will be lensing in L.A. and Mexico where Romero said, "They ain't got laws or nothin' so we're using REAL zombies an' stuff".
The movie is described as a prequel/sequel with heavy re-imagining of the original '... of the Dead' films.

"With CGI and stuff, we think we gonna have it all done and in the theaters by a week from Tuesday" Romero added "and we're releasing it on DVD and Laserdisc the day before... to beat the rush".

Former American President and head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies (petz) George Washington, has been opposed to runaway Mexican zombie production for sometime, when reached for comment, Washington said "BRAINS!!" and tried (unsuccessfully) to eat our reporter through the telephone.

DEVELOPING

24/7 Pizza Heroes!!

I love pizza, and if you think its 'overrated' I think you are a communist.
Forgive me, but I feel strongly about this.

Diet Pepsi is okay.

Just Wondering

Will there ever be a time in my life when pizza doesn't sound good 24 hours a day?

P.S.
Who was the old voice of reason?

Justin is the NEW voice of reason

Move it in, move it out, shake it in, shake it out, disco lady.

I agree whole heartedly with Mr. Armao.

Unless he's a robot.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Hey stop sticking it to the man!!!!!

And try sticking it to the woman. It is more fun but she gets half your stuff. I also bought the Dawn of the Dead cuz Holy hell it was only $11.99. I would buy a movie called 7:45 of the Dead. I was at Subway and some stupid chunky vagina carrier was talking to her friend about how she is starting the Subway diet then she procedes to get a footlong Turkey sub with extra cheese and mayo with lots of oil on top and wash it down with a huge coke. (Hey bitch you can't lose weight if you need a fuckin ruler to measure your food) She will be found guilty of being fuckin stupid and sentenced to be fat. By the way if they make a sequel to the Day of the Dead can it take place at a Dave Matthews concert?

A List of Complaints...

1. I like to call miniature golf, Putt-putt golf. If you don't, I spit at you.

2. I hope the Puma gets me a few stamps. Stick it to the man, doubly (sp?)

Okay, not really a list, just a quick rundown.

Shhh...

I'm at "work" now. I got here early because of my lack of something else to do. I've eaten my lunch (another wonderful meal from the small spot of edible heaven known as Sushi Box) and now I'm using their internet connection for my own entertainment until I fell like starting work.

I'm planning on swiping some stamps to send some bills out today. My little covert way fo sticking it to the Man again. I honestly believe that I'm addicted to sticking it, either to something or someone or to some entity of some sort....some.

I bought the Dawn Of The Dead DVD before I came to work and I have made a goal for myself to get the hell outta here A.F.A.P.* so I can go watch it tonight. If you haven't seen it, you should and if you have seen it, you should see it again.

And yes, I heard that same story on the radio on the way over here. The government has mandated that "Put Put Golf" is the official verbal license plate of the "Fucking Asshole Contingency Of The United States Of America" (or FACUSA as it's commonly known).


* A.F.A.P.; A.S.A.P.; A.M.A.P.; Q.A.S.I.O.I.A.G.T.C.A.H.C.A.Y.O.S.Y.K. - As Fast as Possible, As Soon As Possible, As Many As Possible, Quit Abbreviating Shit Immediately Or I Am Going To Commit A Heinous Crime Against You Or Someone You Know.

It is official!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I know you have been waiting a long time for this folks but it is official...If you refer to Miniature Golf as "Put Put Golf" you are a "Fucking Asshole".

Today's Recommended Listening

As some of you know I have an unhealthy amount of music available to me (both stolen and not stolen, but mostly stolen) and I feel it is my need to let everyone know what is good (well at least what is good by my questionable standards). So every other day or so I will suggest some listening that you should be doing. Sometimes it may be an album, sometimes just a single track that will enrich your life (yes, even more than frenetic masturbation). And if at any point anyone wants a copy of any of this stuff, ask me and I shall provide.

Believe me, I'm well aware that nobody here gives a crap, because it's pretty much only friends reading this and we will ignore each other anyway, but what the hell - I have nothing else to do...

1) The Postal Service - Give Up (album)
Exposed to me by Kid Snickers, this album just gets better every time I listen to it. It's keyboard driven sullen pop that makes you kind of realize things aren't as bad as they may seem.

2) Jean Jacques-Perrey & Gershon Kinglsey - The In Sound From Way Out (album)
Remember walking through the mall in the late 70s and early 80s when the music shop had the keyboards blaring cheesy version of modern hits and kooky compositions by the store employees? Well this stuff is it, along with some themes from t.v. shows and other things that you'll recognize right away. A very stupid and guilty pleasure, that you MUST like or you're not going to be cool.

3) Joseph LoDuca - Evil Dead 2 Soundtrack (album)
Jack Black said it best, "Funny movie, awesome soundtrack." If you don't like this you truly are a cinematic (and musical) idiot.

I Have Nothing To Say

Teletubbies have done me in.

Nanny Nanny Billygoat

So the Sadmakers came out and turns out that I was right all along!!! (Insert evil laugh here)

They read the meter wrong and the bill was totally screwed up!

Tally today
Me - 1
Jesus & The Funky Bunch - 0

I will now cap this latest victory off by listening to some 80s heavy metal.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

No, really...

Hey,
I just got back in town. I was out on a little mini tour with the band. While I was driving, somewhere between Reno and LA, I had a moment of clarity. I knew my place in the world and everything had a purpose!

Then I got home and the feeling vanished.
I think I confused sleep depravation with inner peace, again.

Ya,
so that sucked.

You've got more problems than a fish!

I never knew how hard life was until I read all of your posts.

P.S. Thanks for the invite, I think I'm gonna like it here.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Manic Monday, Part 5

The Day Is Done With Minimal Murder

Went to work and talked to the bossman about stizuff, and everything seems to be rounding back into shape. I was afraid today was the "need to talk" girlfriend break-up thing but it turned out to be another "we're gonna do this and that" session that I've been in for 6 years now.

I wonder if you can get butt cancer from someone blowing smoke up your ass for 6 years?

Anyway, the day is done with 2 out of 4 victories. The fence is a mild victory in that I don't think it will be tough to get around "the code", SBC backed down and admitted fault, my job is still around (until my boss has another period, settle down it's a dude) and decides it's time to make everyone panic, my traffic ticket is paid and The Sadmakers* have rescheduled for Friday, so we'll see what happens then.

But just to let me know who's in charge, the fates decided to make the Lakers lose a game they should have won by 20. So I guess the toal for the day is Me - 3, Jesus - 2. TAKE THAT JESUS!!


*The Sadmakers - The Gas Company or any other company that insists on mis-billing their customers and/or tries to destroy their hope of having extra money in a month.
21 Jump Street.... man, I love that show!

but what the hell does Tom Cruise have to do with it?

Andy has some urban citified fence like problems

How about you grease the wheels of the zoning guy on who complained about the fence and we wait thrre days and go all Ninja and beat the dipshit to death* (*Death not applicable in Guam) We beat him to death with an old VHS copy of Cocktail starring former 21 Jump street alum Tom Cruise. And I was working out on the treadmil at my complex when the same tard that has annoyed me while working out for 6 years walks in and asks if he can change the channel on the tv while I am watching it. I said no and he said how about we watch CNN and I said how about we leave it on VH1's tribute to awesomely bad girls. And he ask what was wrong with CNN and I says I hate to falls asleep on the treadmil and fall off. Me want to punch him. And if you stab someone if they are talking on their cell phone like a loud asshole....that is a fix it ticket right?

fix'd: from the bunker

http://www.flickerfactory.com/tobywallwork

my blog is back up and running. Until I break it again eh?

ENJOY

Manic Monday, Part 4

Part 4's Are Always The Weakest

And now...I'm off for the big one of the day. Our "talk" with my boss about the state of our union. Could this be the day that he finally 'fesses up to stringing us along for the last couple months about closing our office? Could he want to talk to me about letting me work more (or less) than 18 hours a week? Could he just be using this as a front to go drink beers and bitch about thing he'll never fix? The world may never know...but you will when I get home from THE MEETING....

Manic Monday, Part 3

SBC, The Witch And My Limited Wardrobe

SUCCESS!!!
They realized they didn't send me last month's bill and knocked off the late charges for me, along with sending me copies of the missing month's bills. As a special bonus I totally subverted the impending sales pitch about additional services they offer.

My god, did something go good today?! I RULE!

Manic Monday, Part 2

The Gas Company Fiasco

The Gas Company/Sadmakers Inc. called and rescheduled for this Friday the 12th. The same day we go to the city to talk about Manic Monday Part 1. Now my bad day will be moved to another location due to inclement attitudes.

Now, for the call to SBC (aka, Stinky Bull Crap).

P.S. - Stealing more songs today, because it's my only way of sticking it to someone.

Manic Monday, Part 1

The Not-So-Great Fence Debacle

Just got done talking with the city guy who sent us the letter regarding the fence. I came to find out that this was a personal complaint form "someone" in the area. Probably the same person that left a little bitchy note about how our dogs bark once in a while when we're at work. He was very cool (the guy from code enforcement) as I properly inserting tongue into slot "a" with a swift apology for my Kravitzian* message I left on his machine. As is my intention with all iffy matters, I began to make him laugh and tried to sway him to the light side, which seemed to have worked quite well. We're going to go to his office this Friday and talk to him about getting a easement (which the Prisoner so helpfully suggested we do) and getting this whole crapfest finished. We were told there has been quite a history with fence complaints against this home before we were the owners and that this could be the tail end of some kind of bizarre neighborhood vendetta that we're catching the ass end of.

Anyway, that's one bad thing massaged and taken care of so far. Now onto The Rape/Gas Company fiasco.

How's yer day comin' along?


*Kravitzian - A thought or problem that verbally spills out as a consciousless stream of aged bitching and moaning.

SHALLOW BASTARD

Green is the color of my energy.

At the moment my circle of friends are experiencing some mixes of rather good fortune. I am genuinely pleased for them all. For the most part they deserve it, and those that don't aren't wasting time wondering about whether or not they do. I wish I could be like that.

I'll say it for you. I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm reigning in angry feelings because recently my Jiminy Cricket has pointed out that I have very little to moan about and I should just grow up. Sadly, it just ain't working for me right now.

On the bright side, Spring arrived on Sunday. I fixed my brakes (with help) and nobody died.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Zipadeedoodah, Zipadeeay. My Oh My What An Unbelievably Fucked Up Day

So tomorrow morning I have a wonderful visit from the rapists formerly known as The Gas Company coming tomorrow to explain to me how they enjoy bending people over and doing them very very hard in their anus because of how good it makes them feel. Then I get to argue about how cooking once a week and having no other gas appliances can't add up to a $82 bill for a month.

Then SBC gets to have me (in an already cheery mood) call them and ask why they're charging me a late fee for a bill they never sent me. In the midst of that conversation I'm sure they will explain their passion for having their customers scar up their knees while "polishing their collective knob" over the amount of money they charge for inferior services.

Then the "cup duh grass", the city has sent us a letter stating that our fence (that has been up for almost two years and was verbally approved before and during construction by the city's code nazis) now must be moved back 10 feet from the sidewalk. Why? I suppose it's because all of the money the city is spending sending the police force out to investigate domestic vandalism (oh wait they never did send a cop out to us when they would have actually been welcomed) is killing their budget so they have to sap money from people somehow. After my ringburningly* angry message I left Saturday night on Mr. Ed Roberts machine, I have been unassigned from the fence argument by the lovely wife known as Kate. (Probably for the better as three arguments in one day with government and pseudo-government officials will probably drive me to killing quicker than expected)

So that's my Monday, coming soon to me in about 8 hours. I can't wait for that. Maybe when it's all said and done Hitler, Idi Amin and everyone else who is driven by the excesses of pure evil will come and drink all of liquor so I really have no relief....

*ringburner; ringburning; ringburningly - anything or anyone that makes your asshole burn like you've eaten nothing but jalapeño juice for the last 20 years.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Like We Didn't Know He Was Nuts Already.

From Google News:

Al-Jazeera
'Osama loves volleyball, hates ice'
Times of India - 1 hour ago
OTTAWA : A documentary about a Canadian family closely linked to Osama bin Laden portrays the Al Qaida chief as a well-meaning family man who banned ice in drinks, loves volleyball and has trouble controlling his children.

He hates ICE? This is the most feared asswipe on the planet and he banned the use of ice in drinkies?

Well meaning family man? Boy did we get the wrong idea about this guy or what?

I got 28 bucks American for whoever turns this guy into a stain. E-mail me a polaroid and I'l get it right out to you.

C. Thomas Howell just announced that he regrets making Side Out as it may have been partially responsible for Osama's hatred of American culture.

Ooh, C.Tommy, you got a lot of 'splaining to do.

Poor Martha

copied:
E-Commerce Times
Martha's Net Worth Drops $85 Million
Forbes - 45 minutes ago
NEW YORK - The jury's guilty verdict deprived Martha Stewart of not only her credibility but of approximately $85 million. When she woke up this morning Stewart was worth about $420 million.

I have 28 dollars American. Martha can blow me. Enjoy prison sweetie!

wanna flip it over?

so then our posts are in chronological order?

we can do that you know

What's For Lunch?

S=Shawn J=Jason (that's me)

S: whats for lunch?

J: food in my mouth
that I can chew
and then swallow
so my stomach can dissolve it
into nutrients that my body uses
so I don't die
cuz dying is bad

S: wow

Inspired by Toby's previous post

Wow! And I Thought I Was Bored...

This is the most tired I've been in a long time. But, I guess that's what I get for staying at Justin's so late.

Rather than doing any of the myriad of tasks I have to do relating to my job, I have spent most of the day downloading new fonts. I hope to use one of these in the what I think is the 4th or possibly 5th incarnation of Monkey1.com. I've also been trying to recruite people smarter than me to work on the site. That's how I got SimianCinema to work so well. I want the hiplog to integrate into the site as well as Greg's extremely cool gallery tool. If you've never seen Greg's site you should check it out. WWW.TINYGRASSHOPPER.COM.

Anyway, this killed another 5 minutes or so of my day. Let's see what I can find to do next in order to avoid my extremely boring job.

My Chat with Jason



T= Toby, J= Jason


T: so far this day can be cancelled
I'll just go back to bed
rub one out and call it a day

J: my day has been mostly unproductive as well

T: mine has been counter productivo

J: not totally true. You have internet back

2:35 PM

T: internet was back
site is back
cannot edit it
mailboxes are NOT back
and I'm out 90 bucks
with nothing to show

2:40 PM

T: so whats going on?
just leave at 3:30
excuse yourself to the baño...
and Go
GO
GO MOTHER F****ER!!

2:45 PM

T: hello?

J:downloading fonts
spaced out here
there

T: leave at 3:30

J:can't

3:00 PM

T: 3:45 my final offer
we have to go find Tony

3:10 PM


Gotta love AIM eh?

Too Much Info?

Fart philosophy?
The people of Norco know why they live there.

Whadda Day Eh?

This has got to be the most bored I have been since my third time through Geometry in high school.

There is nothing going on and nothing to do anywhere. This would be a great time to start that alcohol problem I've always wanted.

So ya know how farts stink (and sometimes sound) as wretched as a Father Dowling Mysteries marathon? Do you suppose that that (I love when I can legally use a word twice in a row in a sentence) is what our goopy insides smell like? And for that matter would an operating room/embalming room/autopsy parlour(?) be considered a free fart zone*? And for that matter what else, besides ripping incredible cheese bombs while they dig through our guts, are doctors doing while we're under. For me I know I'd find it hard to resist not doing like a little puppet show with people while they were knocked out. Then again, maybe that's just the boredom talkin'.

Oooo look - a bottle of whiskey in the pantry....


*free fart zone - Any area (i.e. - off of the 15 in Norco) where one can freely expel gaseous eminations from their self without reprisal.

Earthlink vs. Pixies

I have spent the better part of today trying to get the domain name http://www.flickerfactory.com back up and running. Beginning to wonder why.

I spoke to one of the famously reported 'outsourced' tech support dudes from Delhi. He wanted to helpful, told me to call my bank.

Listened to The Pixies and shouted "F#&%" out loud a few times.

Spoke to my bank (wish they were outsourced to Delhi).

I know someone is having a worse day. Sorry about that dude.

and... it is FRIDAY.

The Value of Editing

Now I know more about Andy's gardener-torture than I do about European history. While this may not be an inhearantly bad thing, it does give one pause.

Stolen Music = Free Fun

I'm stoked because I just stole that song that was in Scream (when they pan out with the crane shot showing the kids going home early because of the curfew due to the two guys running around killing chix and stuff, 'member?) and Dumb & Dumber (when he has the big foam hat on and he berates the old lady into watching his crap while he goes to get change for a dollar, ya know...).

It's Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - "Red Right Hand". I like this song, in fact I like it so much I think I might go post on the blog about how i just stole it from the 'net for next to, if not as much as nothin'! Wait a second, I already am posting about it - well crap - nevermind...

Bored Enough To Blog

So here I am waiting for the damn gardners to show up. Every week they show up alter and later. This has no bearing on anyone else in the world but me, but dammit this is killing me.

Otherwise, I sit here wondering what can I do for free (and there the gardners are) that won't involve any kind of self abuse or driving. Hmmm?
Kidsnickers starts of with a post so predictable it was like someone getting hit in the nuts on Americas funniest home videos!

Thursday, March 04, 2004

KidSnickers comin' at ya, boyzzzz!!!

Wow, that sounds really gay.
Like rap music.
Doesn't rap music suck ass?
I sure think so.

GO, THURSDAY KNIGHTS!!! WOO!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Please answer your invitations quickly. Otherwise I'll have to wonder if this was a(nother) huge mistake.
Welcome To The New Home of (ahem) SMART PATROL.
The blog that is so smart we forgot the password of the old blog.