The Chronicles Of Work: Pipe And Rape

I work at a medium sized hotel in Southern California doing the house A/V (Audio/Visual).

It's not a good job, it's not a bad job, it has its moments and then it also has it's moments.

Every day brings something very last minute and unusual. That's the best part of the job - and the worst part too. So I've decided to let y'all in just what the hellck (a witty combo of hell and heck, akin to the Frankenweiner combo, but I digress) I do all day and sometimes night.

I awoke to the alarm clock blairing in my ear (because its really the only way I hear any alarm. It must first and foremost slighlty damage my hearing) at the neato hour of 6:00 a.m.. For those of you that don't know me, I hate the morning, I don't like morning people and I especially hate that warm/heavy-headed feeling of waking up entirely too early for anyone's health. I rolled outta the sack, took my shower, got dressed in my "All-Blacks" (the "uniform for the Radisson is my black button-up and black pants - a hatred for another day) and sped my way to the hotel.

When I got there I was greeted by one of the "housemen" (the guys who set everything up, not a charter member of the John Houseman fan club, although I would kinda like to be greeted by one of them just out of morbid curiosity), Francisco. Now Francisco is a really nice guy. He talks in broken/mangled/dismembered English and I in my Sesame Street Spanish for a bit then we go on our merry-ish little ways. He said something about a table today - I think. Anyway, I go check to see that everything I set up the night before (as I often do to avoid getting up even earlier sometimes) is still in place. Everything's kosher, I'm good to go.

Next I track down Herminio, one of the banquet captains and one of the coolest guys on staff. He greets me with his trademark "How're you doing my friend?!" in a purposely overexaggerated Mexican accent that I can't get enough of. I tell him about not having enough pipe and drape (exactly what it sounds like) for the magic show (yes, magic show) in one of the ballrooms. He gets his immediate "concerned Hispanic guy" look on his face then we trot to the office. After leaving a message for Carlos (the main banquet manager, we'll talk about him another day) I notice he says "pipe and rape". After laughing unusually hard I explain to him that he may want to watch who, where and when he says it. To which he gives me the confused puppy look. I continue to explain to him the monumental difference between drapery and rapery (I know, but it sounds cool). We share another big laugh and he proceeds to tell me a quick blurb about filling out a report one day and writing down "gays" instead of "guys". Herminio's a funny guy.

So I go upstairs, make sure my daily invoices are done, which again is a story unto itself. (Things change there without anybody knowing they changed and trying to invoice anything often turns out to be a "choose your own adventure").

After finishing up my paperwork, I go down to make sure everything's a-okay, and it is. Next, I go outside to see if another event we put up "pipe and rape" for is doing good and all is well. One of the guys in charge (a nice guy from Chicago that when I talked him yesterday had a massive booger in his left nostril that I couldn't take my off of for fear it was like that inner mouth thing in "Alien" and may decide to bite my face off) is hanging out assessing the soon-to-be/inevitable debacle that will be his event. The set-up is still standing - which is always a positive when putting things up for a show - and I am free to go. I make my own in and out times, one of the big perks of the job, so when everything is ready for the day, so am I.

I have to go back this afternoon and change things over a bit, but all in all today was mellow by the hotel's standards. If anything else happens, you'll find out first.